I’ve been married for a year, and known my wife for two years. We usually get along very well, and share common basic values.

I believe we really love each other, but we’re recently getting into arguments that make me question our relationship. Initially, we were long-distance which prompted great communication. But recent bickering about silly and slightly more important matters, are worrying me.

I’m presently the sole provider. I’m finishing my PhD and feeling stressed about the responsibilities ahead (finding a post-doc position in a city we’ll both like, applying for scholarships, wrapping-up the thesis before my current scholarship ends).

She’s finishing a Masters’ degree and actively looking for jobs. We’re on a tight budget, and her long-delayed Masters’ thesis has been a source of frustration for both of us.

I was annoyed that it’s taking her so long to finish. She considered this a criticism of her academic capacities.

I expressed to her that her lack of acceptance to criticism is the great hurdle to overcome. While I recognize that distractions (the marriage, moving to a new city, family issues, etc.) have caused delays, she did not have to work as I provided financial support while doing my thesis part-time.

Also, her relationship with her dad and her mom kept deteriorating for the past year. I’ve been supportive; I recognize he can be abusive, and likely has untreated mental health issues.

She wants a relationship with her mom, but not with her dad. Her mom can't accept this or stand up to her husband. So my wife goes from anger to guilt, wanting to cut them off, and then reaching out to them.

I had to step in numerous times, sometimes at her request, against her dad.

After yet another feud, she emailed them saying that unless he has counseling, and her mother realizes she’s in an abusive relationship, she doesn’t want to talk to them anymore.

I said that taking distance from her parents is surely needed, but less rigid conditions could perhaps improve things. I also suggested counseling for her about being conflicted about her parents.

She then got mad at me and asked me to support her and avoid making such patronizing comments that only agitate her.

She said that if I don't try to fix this, our marriage is in trouble. This comment, despite all my efforts to help with her parents, really hurts.

She often lets it all out on me - her issues with her academic work, or with her family.
I really love her, but her bad temper when criticized worries me. Shall we go into therapy?

Lost

On therapy – YES, you both need it.

On the whole picture – I’ve published much of your even-longer account because it’s the typical stuff of marriage adjustment that others can learn from, too.

You two have serious pressures - like many other newlyweds - regarding jobs, your futures, the balancing of income-provision, and family interference.

There’s the added stress of academia, but every couple has their own distracting issues.

Yes, you’re the provider now, and she’s been blocked emotionally by heavy parental conflict. She’s grown up with it, but now, with you observing, sometimes judging, and despite some support, it’s harder to handle.

You need counselling to forge your union, and decide how you can together rise above the stress. Her parents may never follow her “rules.” But if you’re firmly united, and both feel understood, maintaining your relationship will be the priority.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose children have begun seeing their father again (August 10):
Reader – “You're correct in suggesting that she document all incidents resulting from the visitations with the father.

“She can then use these recorded incidents to suggest to the courts that the father only be allowed supervised visits.

“Many communities have organizations that oversee supervised visitations. The children and parent meet in a neutral location and spend time together. This would mean that the father can’t use drugs before seeing his children, or while being around his children, which seems to be one of the mother's biggest fears.”

FEEDBACK Regarding links to support groups after losing a child (August 6):
Reader – “In Ontario, contact the Bereaved Families organization through http://www.bereaved families.net. There are regional affiliates across the province.

“The following page has more links that help:
http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/grief-at-2-a-m-sites-for-bereaved-parents/a/21798
“I believe The Compassionate Friends can be particularly helpful.”