I'm appalled at my grandchildren's table manners. They pick up huge chunks of meat on a fork and proceed to eat off that chunk. Same with anything that should be cut before it's lifted to their mouths like loading their fork with spaghetti and popping it all into their mouths.

Their mother, my daughter, doesn't eat like that, yet she says nothing. The boy is 18, the girl 19. They're beautiful, caring children, respectful, and will do anything for you. The girl's in college, and the boy's in school too, and a well-rounded athlete.

Their mother's a Mama Bear when it comes to protecting her kids from criticism. Grandma says she "doesn't want to interfere." Whom should I speak to?

Caring Grandpa

First, occasionally congratulate their mother and the teenagers themselves, for their more positive achievements of being "caring, respectful," and helpful.

Their table manners may be something she's given up on, or feels isn't worth the battle.

You can play a part, without being heavily critical, by taking these young people to a decent restaurant and pointing out what table manners look like. Make it interesting and appealing to try different, nice places to eat. Chat about their traveling and meeting new people, and how poor table manners can give a negative impression (even if it's unfair). Talk about dating and wanting to look polite, not greedy, when eating out with someone.

Keep your own home a fun and relaxed place for them to come to eat, but gently demonstrate the way food can still be enjoyed without wolfing it down.

(Try chopsticks for fun, to teach taking smaller quantities.)

I'm 18, and have had a terrible relationship with my mother for years. When we were children, she beat my sisters and me without my father ever knowing. Then my parents separated.

Today, I'm in a very good relationship, living with my fiancé and looking toward marriage and kids very soon.

My mother, who's in her 30's, seems stuck in her teens. She takes fits where she causes drama and interferes with other people's marriages. I'm trying to reconnect with her but she makes this very difficult.

I can't handle her ways but if I speak out it causes her fits to start.

How do I talk to her and let her know what she does is so wrong? And how she's hurt her family so badly and needs to let things go and let others be happy instead of making trouble?

Or am I better off to leave it as is, and forget about her and her side of her family?

Fed Up

Your mother physically abused you, and that's a lot to get past. Trying to re-connect isn't going to be easy, especially since you want her to know and accept that what she did was wrong.

She apparently married as young as you are now, and was emotionally unable to cope with raising youngsters. Her resort to child abuse was criminal and harmful to you and your sister.

Now, it'd be better for you to get some counselling about this unhappy past, to make sure you're not haunted by your mother's mistakes. You want to make sure you're not rushing into your own family life before you feel ready for all the adjustments and responsibilities involved.

Once you gain confidence in your own ability to be the kind of mother you want to be, you'll be better able to either re-connect, or decide that she's too toxic to include in your adult life.

FEEDBACK Regarding the person who was worried about her female friend, 52, dating a man who's 40 (Dec. 30):

Reader - "It's the 21st century and more than time that people got used to the fact that older women can date younger men.

"If this were a man, 52, dating a 40-year-old woman, would the friend be so concerned?

"It's nobody's business whom you date as long as you are not hurting anyone. The woman has left her husband and seems to be enjoying life now. I applaud her in being strong enough to recognize that life is too short to be stuck in a relationship that is making you very unhappy.

"There are a lot of mature woman who are attractive, fit, and smart, so who's to say whom they can and can't date? Your advice was right on. Maybe this friend is just jealous!"

Fuming