How do you know when it’s over? I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years.

It was great at the beginning, but when we moved in together, I found we have very different habits.

He likes to watch porn before sex; I don’t always like it at all. He’s messy, only does a big cleanup about once in two weeks. I clean up whenever we eat or make a mess. Seeing dishes in the sink for days turns me off.

He’s a great guy in other ways and loves me, but I don’t feel the same level of attachment.

Warning Signs?

It’s over if: 1) you’ve told him that despite his being a great guy, his household habits annoy and turn you off.

It’s over if 2) he does nothing about it.

And, 3) if he cleans up his bad-roommate behaviour and you still feel unattached to him. Since he’s otherwise a great guy, give him those three chances.

My husband and I have been married 11 years. I adore him, but am not sexually attracted to him.

We have sex occasionally and he’s attentive and loving, but I'm just thinking about other things.

Is this permanent?

Distracted

It can’t change if you don’t do something about it.

And you should, especially for information about your own health. A lack of libido can come from physical and/or hormonal causes, and you should check these out with your doctor.

If physically fine, consider the emotional side. Do you miss or want passion in your life? The fact that you’ve written, suggests you do wonder about it.

And what about your husband? Is he satisfied with “occasional” sex? Does he want more?

If yes, you could see a sex therapist together to learn ways to build a more intimate connection, and also deal with whatever’s limiting it.

You might also see an individual therapist on your own, to explore if there are barriers to intimacy from your past. Past emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or other trauma can cause resistance or distancing from deep and sexual closeness in a relationship.

I signed up with a matchmaking service after being frustrated with the fakes and liars using online dating.

The service charged me quite a large amount for my income, to set me up with ten dates.

They set me up with three dates, which were “blind” (no photos). Even though I spoke to the dates on the phone and met them, I had no attraction to them whatsoever.

I’m a good-looking woman (not conceited here) but the “matchmakers” mustn’t have looked at our pictures.

I told them my issue and they asked me to send them additional recent pictures so they could get a better look at me.

They also didn’t tell me when I signed up that the dates would be “blind.” I thought they’d send three or four photos of men and I could choose someone that appealed to me.

I think this company just throws people together hoping that something magical happens. It doesn’t appear there’s any planning to it.

When you’re the consumer, it’s no different than any other purchase - you have to ask many questions to get the fullest information possible.

Also, matchmaking services charge what the traffic will allow. Whatever your income, you agreed to the price.

“Attraction” isn’t just about looks but it’s clear that physical appearance matters a lot to you. Make this clear if you deal with them, or any similar service, again.

After watching a recent TV episode about a comedian who did jokes about rape, I became upset.

While I’ve never been raped, I’ve been sexually harassed many times, starting when I was a young babysitter, then when I was stalked, then harassed by a high school teacher.

Later, as a young wife and sole breadwinner, my bank president sexually harassed me.

At 55, this TV episode brought it all to life again. How can therapy help me since it happened so long ago?

Want to Move On

A process of therapy will help you stop hurting and feeling like a victim. Those events were un-related; they were not your fault. It was a different era, and you were too young, then too vulnerable with the banker, to fight back other than try to avoid those harassers.

You have moved on to maturity, independence, and inner strengths. Therapy will help you believe it.