Ten years ago, at 75, my wife stopped giving me love, affection and sex. She may say “I love you” on her birthday if I give her expensive jewellery. If I say I love you to her, she may say it back. But there’s no love from her to me.
The beautiful memories of our life together are very important, because that’s now all I’ve got. Now her love is directed to our son and two granddaughters and I’m happy for her. At 85, my libido is not the way it was. I have my jollies looking at beautiful women on the internet and in real life.
It would be a shame to end our marriage, but the truth is, I’m lonely and miserable. Do I just have to accept life the way it is? The way it’s been for the past decade? Or am I worth loving? And is my life – however long I have left – worth enjoying?
Love shouldn’t expire
I’m so sorry for you that you’ve been living lonely and unloved for the past decade. You don’t deserve to live that way. No one does! Have you spoken to your wife? Has she really fallen out of love with you? Or is she simply accepting that her life isn’t what she had hoped?
Perhaps you two would benefit from speaking with a marriage counsellor. It’s not too late. You need to speak your minds and tell each other how you feel. Maybe you just need to clear the air. Maybe you need something to share. Maybe you need to shake up your sex life. I don’t know but it’s worth finding out before throwing in the towel. You’ve already spent a decade together but not together, so you have nothing to lose!
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the barking dog (Oct.25; Jan. 13):
“Have you heard of misophonia? I think the original letter writer might have it. People with misophonia can have outsized reactions to sounds that others take in stride. They may have felt so helpless about the barking, that she made a false complaint she later regretted. If she’d told the neighbour about her misophonia, perhaps the neighbour would have been more understanding.
“When I was a young mother, the family next door left their dog outside constantly. It barked incessantly. I couldn’t ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ because that dog never slept! The owners said they liked it barking to deter break-ins. We couldn’t ‘move to the country’ because my husband’s job required being in the city and that was our livelihood. I was exhausted and strung out. I called the city and was advised to keep a diary of when the dog barked, then make a noise complaint with the data to back it up. It turned out to be unnecessary; they moved.
“Our new neighbours have a dog that barks when anyone comes out of our house or car. It scares my grandchildren when they visit. I get angry and yell, though I’m not a yeller. Thankfully, they eventually bring it inside, so we don’t suffer endlessly, but the damage is done. The barking upsets me so much I need to do yoga exercises and meditation just to calm down. I believe I have misophonia thanks to that dog years ago.
“City living brings the responsibility to limit the nuisance we cause to those around us. That includes training our pets not to disturb the peace. There's a growing recognition of noise pollution as a source of stress and it’s negative impact on health. I believe we should try not to upset our neighbours to the extent they may act in ways they may come to regret.”
My sister is perpetually late. She was literally late to her own wedding! Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced. Every relationship she has fails based on her inability to be punctual.
She was fired from numerous jobs, until she finally found one that allows her to work from home on her own schedule.
She’s missed many flights and vacations she couldn’t get to (including a cruise that left without her twice!). As my sister, I can’t divorce her. I’ve learned to give her the wrong time, sometimes even the wrong day. But it’s getting tiresome, and my life works on a clock like everyone else’s.
How do I disassociate myself?
Always late
Your sister may have time blindness, perhaps due to ADHD, anxiety or autism. You may want to help her get assessed. A diagnosis helps understand why people do the things they do, and there may be treatment, or at least, techniques she can implement.