Many of the people who write to you say things like, I love him/her dearly, but... (she cheats on me, he watches porn, she yells at me and puts me down, he beats me and the children, etc.). What do these people mean by “love?” 

Also, what does it mean when people write, “I love him/her, but I’m not in love anymore?” Do they mean the chemistry is gone? Then, how could they still love the person?

If “in love” means romance, what’s wrong with just loving someone? Isn’t that more lasting?

- Curious

Like you, many readers wonder, “What on earth is he/she thinking?” since the “loved” one’s described flaws are actually abuses – emotional, and physical. 

My response comes from dealing with tens of thousands of these letters: It’s NOT LOVE the partners feel, but rather dependency, hopelessness, self-defeat. They mistakenly think they can’t get or deserve better than the jerk they have.

They may romanticize the brief period when things seemed rosy, before the other’s true character emerged. They feel stuck, or victimized.

Some are CO-dependents - they contribute to their unhappiness by taking on the role of would-be rescuer, or sufferer.

In severe cases, there’s also a “battered spouse syndrome,” with one partner so diminished and controlled by the other, that escape seems impossible.

But there IS hope - the act of writing about their situation means there’s recognition that it’s unhealthy. I tell them it’s best to get out of these relationships at the earliest signs of abuse, or as soon as they can plan for a safe exit.

At the very least, they should stop accepting this negative view of “love” and demand change.

I’m in a three-year relationship with a man in his 40’s; we love each other but I live with my children, and this man lives with his widowed mother. 

He feels he needs to take care of her – culturally it’s their norm. She’s in her late 60’s and quite healthy but doesn’t drive. Other siblings live relatively close by but they’re and not involved in her daily life.

Part of me feels resentment though he’s a good man.

He doesn’t include me in family celebrations. I’m never invited to see him at his mother’s house. He won’t stay overnight when my children are away.

I’ve tried to end our relationship but always let him back into my life. I’ve tried to empower him, suggested reasonable alternatives, but it never changes.

I want to be happy, in a good relationship.

Should I move on?

- Torn

You’re the Other Mother, indulging an immature man in his refusal to become independent and his reluctance to work on ways to share his responsibilities with his siblings. Does that feel like a happy and healthy relationship for you? 

He won’t change, because he doesn’t have to. He won’t confront his mother – or even have you meet his family - because he hasn’t got the courage to rock the boat.

This isn’t cultural; it’s fear, inertia, and yes, co-dependency (see above). Find a man, you’ve already got kids.

I’m 23, working, with a mental disorder that makes it awkward to start new friendships or intimate relationships. 

When I bought a cell phone recently, a girl there caught my eye.

- What To Do?

It’s better to try to develop friendships with people you see regularly - at work, the neighbourhood, group events - than to approach a near stranger.

I’m a healthy male, early 50’s, high six-figure income, very active. 

My second marriage ended five years ago, with much emotional pain and troubles. I’ve learned a lot since then, and feel I can try to couple again.

But where do I start to look to meet someone?

- Uncertain

One thing is very certain – if your credentials are as good as you make them sound, with a healthy attitude to boot, you’ll be flooded with contenders to be Mrs. High Income, so proceed cautiously and slowly. 

Look to your own network of trusted friends. Spread the word that you’d like them to set you up so long they believe the person truly seems an appropriate choice, not just someone they barely know themselves.

Look also to your own interests… whether sailing, films, or philosophy, there are groups that meet for these pursuits and by joining one you’ll meet people with common tastes