Dear Readers – A recent online chat about Sex vs. Love drew so much interest that here are some leftover questions:
I'm still a virgin but sex is obviously very important to my boyfriend of almost five months. However, I want to wait for a long-term commitment (engagement).
If he sincerely likes me, is it fair to ask him to wait? I understand sex is very important to men his age (mid-20s) but I don't want it before I get engaged.
You have every right to your own choice and should wait till you feel ready, and believe he’s the man you feel ready for. However, being “fair” means discussing this with him in an open, honest way, not just pushing for engagement, for which he may not be ready.
He may like you very much, but not yet be sure he loves you as the person he wants to marry…. and he may even love you but be in no hurry to get engaged.
Stay with your own convictions. Just tell him you’re prepared to reconsider, as you feel more trust and certainty about your future together. If that’s enough to scare him, date others.
My husband agreed with what you recently said in another chat, that marriages go through many changes. He used that as the reason I have to be patient that we’re having less sex after he got laid off and hasn’t been able to find a job. He says he loves me, and I love him too. But it’s hard not to feel rejected.
He’s feeling rejected too, in a very scary way. Losing a job and staying unemployed not only brings financial worries but a blow to self-esteem and his very concept of who he is and what he has to offer. This is not a sexy time in his life.
But he does need your emotional support, perhaps far more than you need physical release or assurances that he loves you. (Nothing about getting laid off suggests he’s lost love... instead, he’s lost self-confidence!)
Talk to him, stroke him, and be comforting. Don’t only do this when hoping for sex. Life will bring other changes, and may one day need this kind of caring from him.
My wife’s depressed a lot of time, and goes to bed early, or just isn’t in the mood. She won’t go for therapy because she says she doesn’t want to rake up all the bad stuff from her childhood with an alcoholic mom and a father who abandoned her.
I stay with her from loyalty and for the kids, but sex is non-existent and love is disappearing.
There are many ways to express love, and one of them is helping someone recognize that their demons from the past are having a negative effect on the present.
She’s already “raked up” the bad stuff and letting it crush her spirit and energy. Tell her so, gently, not accusingly. Offer to go to counselling with her, to help her through dealing with this old unhappiness, so she has the chance to become far happier now.
If she refuses – and give it some more time, in case she mulls it over and does respond – then tell her how it’s affecting you, and perhaps the children, too. Say you care about her, but you also have to care about you.
Again, with no change, you’ll have to consider your options.
Are there chemical or environmental factors that affect a woman's sex drive? When my wife’s not on the birth control pill, she has more sex drive than when she’s on the pill.
She’s a stay-at-home mom with our three boys and the environmental factors of being around the kids all day may also lessen her drive.
Medications, like the birth control pill that affects hormone build-up and changes, certainly carry an effect on some women, though it varies from one woman to another. She should talk to her doctor about this, as different pills and different combinations also have varied effects.
Yes, the active job of managing three young boys also has an impact – fatigue, sometimes boredom at menial tasks, and lack of mental stimulation. Much depends on how she runs her day, her level of fitness and nutrition, and whether she needs some household help to lighten the load.
Tip of the day:
Virginity is a choice that calls for change only when you’re ready.