I asked my best friend last spring to be my maid of honour. 

She wants to participate in a two-day bike ride to conquer cancer, five days before my wedding. She’d be missing dinners, and bridal party get-togethers while she’s gone.

I’m terribly afraid that she’ll come to my wedding exhausted, and unable to help as she’d promised.

She just lost someone to cancer, but there are tons of other fundraisers she could go to.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that she not participate in this ride?

- Anxious Bride

Rise above the negative bridal impulse towards self-absorption and recognize this truth: loss is as powerful as beginnings. 

You both have deep emotional investments in the events to come – her ride for cancer is a tribute to the person she loved and lost; your wedding is a celebration of love to last.

As best friends, you should embrace each other’s meaningful moments. Consider some compromises: 1) Accept that she helps you ahead with as many details as possible, then comes back and devotes herself to M-of-H duties. 2) Assign a back-up person to be chief helper during the two days she’s away. 3) She accepts the still-honoured role of bridesmaid, and you ask someone else to become first maid.

Main objective: Save the friendship with mutual respect and understanding.

My mother, 82, owns a very small business; my sister has been her unpaid bookkeeper for the past 10 years. My mother didn’t trust her, they fought, my sister resigned. 

I’m now going through the books and discovered what a mess my sister created (forms not filed or filed late, payroll taxes not paid, tax notices ignored). This will cost my mother many thousands in late penalties and interest alone, which she can’t afford.

I now have to contact my sister for information to fix all of this. She won’t admit she made any mistakes, blames my mother, acts the victim and lies.

I hate her now. I contact her through email only.

Should I cut her out of my life? I can’t take her drama, nor money problems (bankruptcy), which I suspect she caused herself.

Should I detail all of her mistakes and cost to my mother to the whole family?

- Used to be close

Revenge on a family member leaves a bitter taste. The more you discredit her to others in the family, the more they see you as flawed, too, for exposing the family dysfunction.

Clean up the mess for your mother, the best you can, just as you’d do if someone else caused it.

If necessary, get a third-party professional involved to help retrieve difficult information from your sister, rather than have to descend into accusations and denials.

A tax lawyer may be able to supply someone who sorts through the stuff.

Clearly, your sister was not qualified for this job, and she was left with it too long. Perhaps others in the family – including you - should bear some responsibility for not paying more attention, for choosing “unpaid” service for a decade rather than pay a professional. And for not recognizing that someone with personal financial problems shouldn’t be given this job and left unsupervised.

I suspect that you feel such strong “hate” because it’s confused with anger at yourself.

Take care of mom and business, and then try to see your sister’s behaviour realistically – she was in over her head from the start.

I’m a 17-year-old male who for many years secretly admired a girl in my class. I became more open about it and started talking to her, but she doesn’t act at all interested in me. 

How can I make her realize that I long for some attention or even a normal friendship?

- Pining

Your longtime crush has made you very aware of this girl – but she doesn’t know much about you. Real friendship develops slowly, and isn’t only about seeking attention. 

Strike up casual conversations from time to time, about things you have in common – a class project, a school team, etc. Be open and friendly with some of her friends, to build a comfort level when you’re both among them.

When your imagined view of her turns into real knowledge of each other, you may become natural friends, possibly more... whereas a crush lives only in your own head.