I was with a man for two years 20 years ago. I moved, but looked him up 15 years later.

We reconnected. He visited me during a time when my ex-husband was my roommate.

My former boyfriend stayed for two months and couldn't get a job. Depressed, he slit his wrists one day.

A couple days later when I arrived from work, he was very angry. He asked me if I was still having sex with my ex. I said No, but he then tried to strangle me.

My ex-husband took him off me, he left, and broke my car window. I learned that he returned to California.

Eighteen months ago, I discovered he was in prison. We’ve been communicating since.

He explained that a lot of bad stuff had happened to him and he apologized to me. He says he’s found God and is a different person.

I went to see him. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. We’ve been talking about marriage.

I’m asking you, Am I crazy? Should I follow my heart or move on?

Good and Bad History

Your question has no Yes or No answer.

He’s been violent to you, suffered severe depression, been suicidal, and committed a criminal offence.

People can change – especially if they’ve had a very positive influence likes finding religious faith. And having a loving partner can help support that change.

But you need a process of therapy (not one visit) to know what really attracts you to this man.

If it’s enjoying taking risks, being drawn to a “bad-boy,” and/or a low self-esteem belief that you don’t deserve better, then this is unlikely to be a healthy union.

First, know yourself better. Then, get a deeper understanding of what “bad things” drove him before and how secure are the changes he’s made.

Also, ask him all the questions that you can. You need to no longer feel “confused” about him… or yourself.

I've been dating a woman for six months.  We both have young children.

We often talk about our pasts, adventures, relationships, etc.

Hers has been considerably more colourful than mine regarding dating and sex - numerous partners, open relationships, sexual exploration.

She’s an amazing woman who’s not held back by fear or insecurities.

She’s wanted to live life to the fullest.  I admire her for it and know that she’s partially a product of her experiences.

Yet I find it hard to hear about her exes, past sexual discoveries, etc.

She says that since motherhood she's left all that behind her. But talk about her past pushes me away from her.

I don't want it to, nor do I want her to censor herself to protect my ego.

She says she can't undo the things she's done and I have to come to terms with it.

Hard to Accept

Everyone has a past of some sort. But after six months’ dating, it’s time for both of you to no longer be comparing score sheets or telling tales about intimacy in the past.

She’s held nothing back, which was fair. She now says all that is past, which is positive.

What’s needed now is for you two to decide if you have serious interest in a future together.

If so, you have to wipe those images out of your mind, they don’t matter any more.

But she has to also stop mentioning past activities she knows unsettle you. Tell her so. It’s a matter of compromising for each other.

FEEDBACK Regarding the divorced woman whose family doesn’t want her to date (Feb. 12):

Reader – “I agree with your response (Ellie: to stop reacting to others’ fears and opinions, and to date wisely but not secretly).

“However, I feel that she may tend to ask permission from those around her as part of her conversations.

“So, instead of asking for advice, she seeks guidance and confirmation that her desires are correct.

“If that's the case, then it’s less a problem of others offering their thoughts, and more of others directing her. This is a trap she apparently falls into repeatedly.

“It could even be that her “advisers” sense her inability to determine the correct course, so they guide her away from relationships until she can make that decision on her own.

“She needs to not only filter their advice but make a statement that requires no permission… such as, simply, "I will be going out tonight.”