I’m 61, and lived common-law for 20 years with a man, 62, whom I’ve just asked to leave.
When we met, I lent him $100,000 (for a life insurance policy to pay me when he passes), to try to help him save his business.
I worked with him without pay for two years, and paid his $5,000 credit card debts. Then, his business went bankrupt.
He gave me an agreed amount to cover food and expenses but five years ago he arbitrarily halved it.
He’s been unemployed three times, for up to 18 months. Yet he’s a golf addict – playing twice every weekend and more, leaving me alone all day.
I did most of the cleaning, all the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.
Recently, I asked him to contribute $300 monthly for his food since, after two years of paying nothing, he’s had a good paying job for four months. He refused, saying I have more money than he does.
When I said that he has money to golf, he said he wouldn’t give up his lifestyle, which includes restaurants and an annual golf vacation.
He unilaterally stopped our sex life four years ago.
I’ve just discovered that he has credit cards debts of $40,000.
I’m alone now, feeling used, sad, angry and duped. Yet I still care and feel sorry for him because he has no money.
- Broken Spirit
You carried this man financially for so long that he came to believe it was his due.
You’ve woken up to the uncomfortable realization that you’re his banker more than his spouse, just in time.
He’ll need loans and handouts to cover his debts – not to mention a cook/housekeeper - and my guess is he’ll find someone to replace you, fast.
Let him, and count yourself lucky to be out of this co-dependency that has cost you far more than you benefited.
You were lonely before, when he wasn’t there for you in any way. Now, use your alone time to expand your life with new interests, and meeting new people. There are far better relationships to be had out there, with friends as well as with a partner and next time, it’s a real partner you want.
My girlfriend of two years and I have been living apart for a year, soon to move in together.
However, we fight a lot while talking via web cams everyday.
My girlfriend views my looking at other woman as cheating and gets hurt. I believe it’s only human nature to look at beauty, but I never have unfaithful thoughts.
We have an honest, transparent relationship, so it’s impossible to keep my looking at women from her.
When we’re together, I now try to actively control myself, so I never have a good time.
We’ve both been faithful but she still has difficulty trusting me and wishes to know all the details of my life.
How do I convince her that I'm not cheating by looking, and regain her trust?
Since long-distance relationships CAN breed insecurity, and your girlfriend is vulnerable to this feeling, you should’ve been extra-sensitive about not triggering it. Yet you claim an inability to be discreet about your admiration for other women.
Unless she gains self-confidence, and you mature, you two aren’t ready to move in together. Her distrust plus your discomfort makes for a two-fold obstacle.
Try to work out a mutual agreement to get past it.
I’ve been in a four-year relationship that started out great, but now I’ve been trying to break up and he won't accept it. He’s trying to control my decision.
I would’ve ended it earlier, but I was afraid of hurting him. I just don't love him the same.
He says that he can make me feel the way I did in the beginning, again.
He’s starting to worry me, with some of the things he’s doing.
What do I do?
Do NOT let him intimidate you further; instead, his defiant attitude towards your feelings should reassure you that he’s more interested in controlling you than in the relationship you once had.
Most important, if you’re afraid of him for your own safety, contact a woman’s shelter as a place to escape, or seek their referral to a community agency, for help planning how and when you’ll leave.
Tip of the day:
A relationship gets too costly to bear when only one side is paying emotionally as well as financially.