My ex and I ended our relationship five months ago. I didn't want to break up with him, but felt I had no choice.
He had severe emotional issues… and it's not that I couldn't deal with them, nor did I want to "change" him, I was willing to stay by his side. But it still wasn't enough.
I miss him terribly, and am struggling to move on with my life. I've never loved anyone like I loved him. I still do.
Leaving someone you love but can’t live with for reasons you can’t change, is an act of courage and wisdom.
You’ve saved yourself years of more frustration and heartache. You may even have given him the only wake-up call he may heed, to deal with his many emotional problems. If he does this, it’ll take time, and he needs to do it on his own.
Meanwhile, you have to heal from this relationship, and push yourself forward.
You’re on the right path. Love yourself now.
Our son and daughter-in-law (DIL) have been separated now for four years. They have two sons, ages 12 and 10. Our daughter-in-law has always been very needy, and always thought of herself first.
The kids live with her, but visit and stay with their father whenever they want or when their mother needs her space. Since the separation, our son dated one woman for two years, but they’re now just friends.
Our DIL has been with four different men whom she now puts down as difficult and unstable.
Our older grandson has become very quiet but I know that his father is always there for them, and never refuses to take over if his ex suddenly wants to go out or go away.
The kids say their mother yells a lot. I don’t get involved, and just say she’s probably upset with something from work.
Recently, she emailed me that she’s seeing a new man, a lawyer, who lives out-of-town, and has bought her many gifts and promised future trips.
She said she’s finally found someone who treats her like a queen, as opposed to all the others who treated her like “dirt.”
I believe I have to be nice to her because of the kids. If I don't respect their mother, whom they love, then what am I teaching them about respect? So I bite my tongue and try to stay away from her, and respond only about the kids.
How do I get over my anger and dislike towards her and still carry on and not let it show, when our grandsons mention Mommy and the lawyer?
She’s currently spending all her spare time with him, and ignoring her children who need her. I haven’t told my feelings to my son.
You’re the steady, sane, and thoughtful grandmother so important in their lives, and you’re making the right decisions on their behalf.
By not telling your son your feelings, you keep your relationship with him smooth and supportive rather than irritating, since he can’t control his ex’es every move.
By not badmouthing their mom, you help the kids make their own adjustment to what’s going on, rather than disturb them with feelings of disloyalty and hostility which could be turned against you, their much-needed and wise guide.
As for your internal anger, it’s way secondary to what’s important here. And you know it, so you can handle it.
Commentary – With thanks to all who shared their stories of “Love at First Sight, here’s the final account:
Reader – “We met at a dance on July 1, 1957 when we were 14 and 15. It was in a small village where he lived and where I had a summer job babysitting.
“He took me for a ride in his fishing boat the next afternoon. I was impressed with his niceness and his white blond hair (which he still has, just a bit more white now!).
“Upon our return, I told the lady I was working for "that’s the boy I’m going to marry." She laughed.
“We dated, broke up several times through high school, but I always knew he was The ONE.
“We celebrated our 53rd Anniversary this year, have four children and six grandchildren who make us proud.
“He still makes my heart skip a beat and we’re still boating!”
Tip of the day:
Safeguard the important role of being a grandparent by not badmouthing the children’s parent(s), or interfering unless needed in a true crisis.