My relationship with a married man began as a casual affair, mostly about fun, but several months ago, it became very serious.
We are clearly in love, but the reality is that he has a wife and a child at home.
He says he’s working on getting out of his marriage and I believe him enough to stay committed to him.
I said that if I don't see progress within a certain time frame, I’ll be moving on.
My expectation is that he’ll be moved out and separated before the summer.
How long am I supposed to wait? Can I expect a happy relationship and eventual marriage with a man who’s cheated on his first family?
If you’re truly facing reality, know this: While some affairs do work out, very few have a smooth ride through the separation and divorce period, nor through the fallout for years after. (See the following question as example).
You’re giving ultimatums about things over which you have no true control, and he has little.
Yes, he may love you, but it may not be the same kind of love you feel. His may be escapist from the routine of married life compared to the excitement and risk of an affair… after all, this is a married man who started out just looking for “fun” with you, rather than creating fun at home with his wife and child.
Even if he’s found in you the love of his life, he will still have emotional and financial ties to his child, and still have involvement and responsibilities with his first wife. It won’t be a surgical break, such as you might imagine, for years to come.
If you believe you can handle all this, stop imposing timelines that will only cause tension for you both and create many bitter fights.
It’d be far better to break up and let him consider for himself the how and when of ending his marriage. If he comes back to you as a separated man, you’d have a healthier, more positive, fresh start.
I recently became engaged and come from a divorced family. I thought everyone would put aside their differences to honour me on this one special day.
Instead, we already have guests informing us that if we invite so and so, they’ll have to decline.
The worst behavior came from my parents! They divorced when I was young. My mother remarried ten years later.
My stepfather believes that he deserves to walk me down the aisle. My father would be devastated if he did not have that role. My mother believes she’s earned the right.
I had already decided I’d walk alone and not disrespect anyone, but that idea was immediately shot down.
My mother feels I shouldn’t honor my father because he abandoned our family and left her struggling to take care of two children.
I feel that everyone needs to remember that it’s my wedding and should support whatever decision I make.
How do I make the right decision without hurting anyone's feelings?
My parents don’t have a good enough relationship to accompany me together, nor do my father and stepfather. Please help before I elope and lose all contact with my selfish family!
Your family makes a good case for your elopement! However, though they are behaving selfishly, they’ve somehow raised a daughter who still wants family contact, so it’s up to you to make a firm decision, and not budge from it.
Many others have resolved the dilemma this way: Your father (there in your life at the beginning) walks you halfway.
Then your mother and stepfather walk you the rest of the way to join your groom.
They can each have other roles at the reception regarding speeches (or not, if you can’t trust them).
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who thinks she has HPV and Herpes (Feb. 12):
Reader – “I was married to my soon-to-be ex from 2005 until 2012, when we legally separated. I discovered later that he’d been cheating on me during those years, and transmitted HPV to me.
“When diagnosed, I had pre-cancerous cells that took almost two years and over $1300.00 (after insurance) to get rid of.
“He left me with the bills, and also blames me for the STI, for causing him to cheat, for ruining our marriage, and hurting our children!
“Don't let guilt, whether or not it’s misplaced, determine your course (in relationships). Take care of yourself.”
Ellie - See more detailed information on STI's in next Monday's column.
Tip of the day:
Send married lover back home to separate cleanly… or not.