Following are leftover questions from my online Ellie chat, “50 Ways to Stay Together” (April 22):

My husband and I had two children within four years, we work, have a small house, modest incomes, and are tired much of the time.

Sex is infrequent, or interrupted by the kids’ waking up, or one of us falling asleep.

But there’s still good chemistry between us.

How do people with jobs and young kids find time to be lovers?

Tired Wife

The youngsters you’re raising together, the jobs that you try to do well, are part of your life as lovers.

But your “tasks” include making time for sex… wake up early once a week, shower together whenever possible, get a sitter for two weekend hours at the park while you return to bed, etc.

Recognize that when two people create a life together, much time goes into maintaining the connection through communication, affection, and appreciation.

Added up, it’s how people stay together. The love deepens.

My wife’s an agency social worker and talks about our relationship like it’s a case study.

She tells me when I’m transferring my emotions, distancing, avoiding, etc. I love her, but resent the clinical analysis.

When I say this, she says I’m distracting to change the topic. But she admits she loves me, too.

How can I deal with a partner who thinks she’s the expert on what I’m feeling?

Overanalyzed

Her reliance on professional jargon is also distancing and distracting!

Insist that for any serious problems in the marriage, you need a neutral assessment, from a professional who’s not her colleague, and knows how to speak a common language to clients.

However, if this is the only problem you two keep discussing, then make a deal: That you both carry on without her slapping labels on your behaviour, and without you overreacting to some lingo.

If either one slips, the other has to put $20 in the “entertainment” envelope. At month’s end, the money’s used for going out together on a fun “date,” no analysis allowed.

When you’re out having a good time, realize that if this is your biggest issue, you’ll be together a lot longer.

My husband of 11 years says we should stay together for the children, but I’m tired of his not meeting his practical responsibilities.

He’s everyone’s “buddy,” has two boys’-nights weekly, and is Daddy Indulgent with the kids.

I’m left to be the disciplinarian, to work extra hours to afford a two-week cottage rental and house repairs.

I’m always stressed and tired, so he says I’m a nag when I ask him to do more at home.

I’m not sure we can make it for the long-term.

11-Year Itch

It’s your picking up of all you consider his slack, that makes you tired and resentful.

But you don’t mention your feelings for him, though he was likely the same easy-going guy when you were initially attracted.

Now, you seem to be looking for confirmation that you can prepare yourself for a break-up.

However, if he’s actually a good man for whom you do still have feelings, try this: STOP doing everything that you want him to do.

Instead of working long extra hours, plan summer picnics, backyard barbeques, country day-trips, and forego an expensive cottage rental. Make DIY house repairs a project to do together.

Perhaps if you joined him in a more relaxed approach, there’d be more fun and ease between you.

It’s worth a try.

We’re a gay couple with very different backgrounds. I grew up in a rural Ontario town, and have hardly travelled. He’s worldly and sophisticated, having lived in New York, London, and Hong Kong.

Somehow, we clicked immediately when we met five years ago, and have a great relationship.

We’re in our 40s and devoted to each other. But I fear the bubble will burst. What do I have to do to keep this wonderful man in my life?

Insecure

You have to realize and believe that you’re just as wonderful, to yourself and to him.

Your great relationship continues, so throw your old insecurities away, or they’ll bite you.

Anxiety is insidious; it causes jealousy and divides couples. Banish negative thinking.

Just as you learn from him, he learns from you. He may love your humour, your down-to-earth nature, and your lack of pretensions.

Measured by attachment and caring, you are equals.