My girlfriend and I were childhood friends; we started dating two years ago. I’m 20, she’s 19.
One year ago, I discovered through her email inbox that she was secretly seeing someone else. Nothing happened sexually between them, so I thought I was strong enough to forgive her.
We did break up for three months, but got through it.
However, she still has contact with that guy and he calls her sometimes. She’s explained that their families are close and it’s hard to just cut him off.
I love her but it seems like we’re running into the same problem and it gets more and more painful.
I’m willing to open every door possible for this relationship to flourish.
What should I do?
Ask to go along on a family outing, as The Boyfriend: It will establish your position with this other guy, as well as with both of these families. You may even come to eventually regard him as a friend to you, too.
This is only possible if you truly trust that your girlfriend is only connected with him as a family friend.
If so, and you want to stay together, you have to stop worrying about other scenarios.
She was wrong to be secretive about their earlier contact, but perhaps she’d found you to be jealous or untrusting in the past and felt it easier to avoid telling you about him.
You’re both young yet seem to have had a long-term attraction. To make it last, you’ll have to take her at her word, and not snoop into her email.
I’ve been living common-law with my boyfriend for seven years; I’m 40, he’s 44.
I’ve always wanted children.
I fell in love with my guy and we’ve been fairly happy together, except for frequent fights.
He loathes fighting - which is why he never was sure he wanted to marry me, and kept putting off having kids together. He also has twin boys (13) from a previous relationship who stay with us on holidays and every other weekend.
I now feel angry and bitter because he wasted my childbearing years.
Although I know I was complicit in letting go of my dream, I’m still so angry; we’re fighting more, and having no sex.
He says counselling is a stupid waste of money.
I now resent both his spending time with his children, and my picking up after the boys. I’m sad whenever I see a child with a mother.
Will my resentment pass or will it increase?
Should I leave him, and let him parent his children in peace?
Maybe on my own I can try to get pregnant through other ways, or adopt children…
- Need Advice
You’re angry with yourself for letting time pass, and need to decide your own future. Seek counselling on your own, to explore your options and what you can handle, whether alone or with him.
If you have real regard for children, stop taking your resentment out on his sons; they didn’t ask to come into your life and aren’t responsible for what you’ve chosen or missed.
Like many single parents, your boyfriend was likely afraid to make another commitment that could end in more break-ups and children caught in the aftermath.
He hid behind the excuse of “too much fighting,” but you should’ve seen through that long ago, and either reassured him, left him, or concluded you loved him enough to stay even without having children.
My boyfriend will be accompanying me on a trip to my hometown (his first visit). We’re planning to take in the sights there. I've booked the flights and accommodations.
He now says it’s my responsibility to pay for everything since I invited him. This is way beyond my budget. I was counting on his paying for half the expenses.
Also, he’d hinted to me for an invitation.
- Costly Guy
Cancel the trip, for now.
Tell Greedy Guy you were both wrong not to discuss sharing the costs beforehand, and you simply can’t afford to pay the shot alone.
Don’t accept guilt or embarrassment for backing out.
As your boyfriend, he’s aware of your financial limits from the way you live, yet he’s still trying to take advantage of your “invitation.”
In my opinion, you need better communication and understanding, before you plan any future trips together… or a shared future.
Tip of the day:
Email contact isn’t evidence of cheating, but secrecy indicates a problem with trust.