I’d never been sure whether to have kids, but since my niece was born, I want them. 

My fiancé and I both were unsure and I’m now scared I’ll be in love with the idea in a couple of years and he won’t be.

How do you know if you want to have kids?

What do you do if one person wants them and the other decides that they do not?

- Curious

Be more certain than scared about this potential difference of opinion. It can be a deal-breaker, and frankly, that’s better now than later, or when pregnant. Start talking and questioning yourself, and your partner. 

The “idea” of having children is only idealized; the reality involves practical matters like sleepless nights, changing smelly diapers, and paying for endless needs.

However, the rewards are a wellspring of love such as you’ve never felt in any other way, and a purpose in life far beyond any other you’ve known.

BUT, it’s not for everyone. Talk to your fiancé, and together watch your niece and her parents’ life closely – he hard work, the costs, the loss of so-called “freedom.”

Then be unflinchingly honest with each other about whether you can consider the topic open or one of you simply doesn’t want this lifestyle change. If that happens, part now.

Since we married three years ago, my parents have caused us to separate twice. 

My husband and I both have disabilities, which our families respond to differently.

My husband was taught to be independent, whereas my father believes I should write letters thanking employers for hiring me (despite my university and college education).

My husband’s siblings were encouraged to include my husband; my siblings and I never did much together.

My parents have a problem that my husband is 23 years older than me; when we make a decision about our household (e.g. on air conditioning), I’m accused of shutting out my father, to whom I used to turn to for everything.

My father accused my husband of stealing my money, never working (although we met at work), and trying to steal my house (purchased with a down payment from my parents before we were engaged.)

My husband didn’t want to live in the house but moved in at my insistence.

My parents believe he’s brainwashing me.

Finally, I feel loved and accepted as an equal. Although my family loves me I’ve always felt like an outsider – e.g. I was left out of my mother’s retirement party though all my siblings and their partners attended.

How do I convince my parents that they owe both of us a huge apology and that my anger at them is coming from me and not my husband?

Sick and Tired

Your family has always handled your disability the only way they knew how: over-protectively. They’re not going to find it easy to change, but you can help them by changing your reaction. 

They need to see you happy, not angry; they need to see the two of you supporting each other emotionally, not separating in the face of difficulties.

They can’t see a need to apologize for their natural tendency to worry about you, until they see in time that their fears were unnecessary. Be generous with your understanding of their concerns, and demonstrate the inner strength your relationship gives you by living with your husband as independently as you can.

My husband allows my sister-in-law, whom he’s known since childhood, to monopolize him at get-togethers; she hangs onto him, pulls him to dance with her, dictates when he should dance with me, and hugs him with long goodbyes, their arms around each other. 

We see the family almost every couple of weeks!

When I’ve confronted him, we ended up in big arguments. It’s hurting me tremendously because he thinks I’m just jealous.

- So Sad

You’re feeling left out of this close connection, which DOES come across as jealousy if the two are purely platonic, and simply value their long friendship. 

Also, if it’s other stimulants at these social gatherings that are loosening them both up greatly, you may be clouding the real issue.

If you and hubby have a satisfying intimate life of your own, and you don’t believe he’s cheating, speak up clearly about why the behaviour is bothering you.