My sister (we’ve always been close) recently met a man whom she really likes and he likes her. I'm happy that she’s found someone after being a widow for 12 years.

However, his wife’s in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. She still knows him occasionally. His family has accepted my sister with open arms.

While I like him, I have a problem with the fact that his wife is alive while he’s having a relationship. I believe strongly in marriage vows - "till death do us part" - and cannot get over my negative reaction.

She’ll be bringing him to family get-togethers and I don't know how to handle it.

I’ve told her my feelings and that she’s Catholic too, but she sees nothing wrong. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Disappointed

With religion and personal values informing your feelings, you’re not “wrong,” but that’s not your dilemma.

It’s your relationship with your sister.

She and this man have made a choice, supported by others. Their prevailing feeling is that they deserve this happiness after her widowhood and his “living loss.”

Their situation’s not uncommon, as increasing numbers of people face their partners’ terrible deterioration, mentally and physically, to the point of “death” to a viable marital relationship.

He can still visit his wife; your sister may even become a part of this routine, as shocking as that may seem to you.

My mother lived with Alzheimer’s for at least ten years and eventually didn’t know me. Those who’ve experienced this ravaging disease up close know all the arguments for both views – he’s still married, he has no wife.

If you want to remain close to your sister – and she knows your views – handle what you can.

We’ve always hosted my extended family (both sides) for special occasions. My mom hosts her own birthday dinner and that of my sister, who has a small place and doesn’t like cooking.

We’ve tried to accommodate my sister's ever-changing dietary preferences. A year ago, vegan became her “final choice” - no eggs, butter, dairy, etc.

We’ve served pasta without meat or cheese, even tried to cook tofu.

I still cook everyone else a meat entree. However, she announced she wouldn’t celebrate our Canadian Thanksgiving because millions of turkeys are killed.

Mom decided Thanksgiving is without a turkey. So my family went there for lunch (breaded chicken breast for us, breaded seitan for her).

There’s SO much tension at each meal. She informs us how animals suffer for us to eat them, or drink milk, etc.

I do love animals and don’t like that any are mistreated but I have a disconnect with what’s on my plate.

We have questions, as we’re not aware of what things vegan “chicken” are made of, but you cannot have a conversation, she gets very defensive.

I want to “divorce” my extended family and not deal with this.

Vegan Victim

Similar to the above situation, this is about whether you can handle giving up a family relationship or not. You’ve rushed to the “divorce” option without looking logically at others.

Here’s one: Stop fighting with your sister over this, she has a right to eat/not eat what she wants. Other than these half a dozen dinners annually, your family eats what they want at home or on solo visits to Mom.

If you want family peace, Google “vegan” and you’ll soon know what the “chicken” is, as well as the philosophy. You’d do this if your child turned vegan, just as your Mom has done.

FEEDBACK Regarding the “nit-picking” wife (Oct. 10):

Reader – “I agree with your advice to “no-hook” guy about lack of compromise from both on small nit-picking. There was an undertone of "if you give in once, you can then tell her to back off," and that ruining a marriage over how to take care of his own slightly-worn clothing, is silly.

“However, I wonder if her nit-picking’s a symptom of a compulsive disorder. The scenario he drew hinted at a possible underlying anxiety source for the wife.

“I have a long-standing relationship with anxiety and compulsive disorders, and the situation sounded far too familiar.

“If that’s the case, your advice won't get them very far at all, when she's challenged without a solution for the underlying cause of her behaviours.”

Thoughts?

A good point, thanks for your experienced perspective. Probing the cause of her insistence may help.