I'm married to a wonderful woman I love, and plan to stay with. We have a very good marriage, together 30 years. However, several years ago we went through a tough spot - I was buried with work and stress, and we weren't as close then.

We’d moved to a new city for a big job for me, and had few friends. But we suddenly had luxuries.

I worked seven days weekly, and was emotionally absent. We both joined a gym, and had a personal trainer (male) several times a week.

For two years, my wife also had massage and physio with him three times weekly, for a hip injury. She’s confirmed that she was always completely nude. I didn't really give it much thought.
Now, I can't imagine there wasn't something sexual. There were other indications in her behavior, too.

I don't want to create an issue or fight about it, but I feel a strong desire to know.

I don’t feel it warrants emotional distress. I'd just like to know the truth. I’ve asked some tentative questions, but my wife’s changed the topic quickly.

I get something of a small charge from this concept… it’s like a past, occasional fantasy between us.
How do I encourage her to shoot straight with me? Or do I just drop it and forget it?

Probing a Fantasy

This fantasy can explode into a nightmare. Whatever happened appears to be in the past. You now understand that you’d left her emotionally, and that was likely a contributor to any closeness she sought elsewhere.

If imagining her being with someone is a turn-on, great. Use it in your own mind to heat up intimacy together.

BUT, that doesn’t necessarily work if the concept becomes real. Where there’s truth, there are consequences.

She might distance emotionally if that image turns you on…. perhaps because of the loneliness she then felt, or because she’d resisted and you mistrust her, or because she just doesn’t want you to like it. Drop it!

My mother, 63, recently suffered a burst appendix, and hasn’t worked for one month. Meanwhile, I learned about her finances.

She's lending people (mostly co-workers) money by borrowing on her line of credit. And the boss hasn't called her back.

She's been separated from my step-dad for seven years. She still pays for his life insurance although she moved out of their house and into my brother's place.

I don't know how to convince her to divorce him and sell their house. He’s also too stubborn to cooperate. She's going deeper into debt and in denial about everything going wrong.

Concerned Daughter

Get her to an accountant and attend with her, along with your brother. She needs to see the facts of her financial situation and know that you’re aware of them too, so she can’t put her head in the sand.

BUT, don’t treat her like a child. She needs to feel respected even if she made errors out of misguided generosity. If she’s not respected for that, she’ll dig her heels in and carry on as usual.

You and your brother need to tell her kindly, if the following is true, that it’s unfortunate but neither of you is wealthy enough to pay off her debts, and cover for all her expenses.

Tell her that as family, you need to pull together and get her situation turned around, which can best be done by selling the house her ex lives in. Then, see a family law lawyer to proceed on that front.

FEEDBACK Regarding the grieving pet owner whose dog was fatally attacked by another (Mar. 14):

Reader - “I’m very sorry not only for the manner in which you lost your beloved dog!
“Having lost my first cat after 15 years together - from liver disease - and the next cat after 13 lovable years from lymphoma, the grief experiences were horrendous.
“Please, do not blame yourself for the tragedy which beset your dog. Consider the following suggestions:
1) Volunteering at one of your local pet shelters.
2) In memory of your dog, give a donation for "canine research" to a Veterinary College, which attempts to discover how to cure animals of diseases such as cancer.
3) Although your dog was unique, in time when your heart is somewhat healed, consider "not replacing him" but getting one more animal who could fill that "hole in your spirit"!”