I'm a fit, well educated, half-decent-looking, man, age 26, with two good jobs, a future business plan and savings. I'm active in my community through several charities and non-profit organizations. I also have many interests like cycling, hiking, travelling, movies, cooking etc. Yet, I can't find many women who stay interested in me. I've been told by women I meet that I'm "intense" and passion runs high between us for the first couple of weeks. I believe in balance though and having more to the relationships than just the erotic. I like to do new and different things... and never repeat activities with different women. But after a month or two it all fizzles out and they drift away. Any insight as to why this is happening? I'm not overly jealous or possessive, and all my 45+ female co-workers say I'm a catch.
- Fizzling Out
It’s hard to hang onto intense for long, especially if it’s in everything you do. You’ve done a great job of getting your life together, but it sounds as if you’re pushing your credentials as well as your wooing strategy far too obviously. A relationship is not meant to be treated like just another accomplishment. Rather, it's the happy result of two people finding that they not only have chemistry together, but also comfort. Next time you hit it off with a woman, try to relax and let the feelings flow and grow. Do NOT tick off the different activities you do, along with the sex, like so many score points. Enjoy the quiet times too, and the cuddling and intimate chat. Less intensity will take you farther, in the long run.
I met my boyfriend in the summer and we became exclusive in the fall. We've talked about getting married one day, but I don't think either of us is ready. He disagrees. I have a college degree and a job, whereas he works as a night-club bouncer and talks about going back to school. He's really still unsure about what he's going to do with his life, but he's pressuring me to get engaged, which has led to several arguments. Is there a time frame you should date someone before getting engaged? Should you have your job/life planned out before getting engaged? Please help, because he thinks I don't love him enough to marry him one day.
Rule #1 about when NOT to get engaged: When you have doubts, of any kind.
Call it about timing, or about uncertainty for the future, or differences in life planning, but it boils down to having DOUBTS. Rule #2: When you're being pressured. Your boyfriend is trying to pin you to a commitment, because he senses your doubts and worries. Don't apologize or fall into the trap of having to "prove" your love by agreeing to an engagement. You're not ready, personally. Tell him you love him but can't commit until you know each other better and you have more confidence in his plans. Period.
I'm 40, married with children, and have a problem with my older sister who's been acting increasingly hateful toward family members. She's not spoken to my father since her teens, yet appears at family functions. She declined to come to my parents' 50th anniversary celebration. She's stopped contacting my mother, but accepts her invitations for dinners, acting rude and condescending to Mom. I recently learned that years ago she falsely told a community leader that our brother was a child molester. She's dropped interest in my family and kids and never contacts us. Should I still be trying to "make friends" with her? I think she needs professional help, but she'd never accept that opinion from me. I fear her critical attitudes may escalate to something more harmful.
Yes, your sister needs professional help as she's clearly deeply troubled. Your brother may not have molested her (are you certain?) but perhaps someone else did. Your role is not about "making friends" but about being a responsible relative. Keep a watching brief on her behaviour and maintain compassion for her, since something is causing her emotional disturbance, and it may indeed worsen. Alert your other siblings and parents to this; they need to do more than be judgmental of her. Anyone who's able to contact her doctor or a respected person in her life, to urge her to get help, should do so.
Tip of the day:
There's more to finding a partner than scoring high as a catch.