My girlfriend of four-months is loving, caring, and honest. She moved closer to my place so we can be together, though her job’s an hour away and she has to drop off her 16-month-old son at her sister’s. 

I found some pictures of her son, herself and the baby’s father. I already knew they’d had sex after they’d broken up, she got pregnant, and they got back together. He was a deadbeat dad, she was working, he beat her, they parted and he didn’t even try to see his son. She put a restraining order against him.

Yet I’m having a hard time with her having had sex with him at that time when they’d broken up. Also, when she was with him, she was a lot slimmer; currently she’s borderline obese.

I want my own kids one day, but her excess weight will put her life in danger and I won’t risk it. Seeing that photo killed me emotionally.

I do love her, but seeing that photo has me confused.

- Hurt

You missed the real picture – a woman who was getting beaten, who had to struggle alone to provide for her child, feeling stuck with a jerk because she had sex with him (possibly even forced, or threatened to do so). Look at her now, and be proud of her having gotten past those bad times, and found the love you both share. 

Now, encourage her to slough off her old hurts, plus some of the weight that her anxiety about the deadbeat brought on. Get active together whenever possible, baby-sit a couple of evenings so she can get to a gym, assure her that she’s loved and NOT judged for past mistakes (any more than you’d want to be).

My husband had a brief affair two years ago. He ended the physical relationship but insisted (over my objection) on continuing contact through e-mail for another year until his former lover ended it. 

I’ve tried to move on with our marriage, but feel stuck in place. He resists talking about the health of our relationship - he either says nothing or tries to change the subject. When asked about this lack of response, he says he “doesn’t think of those things.”

He’s unusually shy and sees himself as the strong, silent type; he’s adamant about not going to counselling. He feels that the fact that he’s still with me should be enough for me, and says that he loves me.

He can be very tender and considerate, but this continued silence worries me. Counselling has helped me, but I still have this nagging feeling that something’s not quite right.

Am I asking too much for him to share what he’s feeling about us? Is it paranoia?

- Unsure

There’s strong/silent… then there’s silent/stubborn/scared. Hubby doesn’t want to talk, because he’s afraid you’ll want to discuss the “Why?” of his affair. Since he’s past it, he wants you to drop it, too. 

So here’s my answer to your still-unheard chat: Your relationship is NOT healthy, not yet. Continue with counselling on your own, and see if you can learn to accept his presence as being enough.

Or, you can alert him to the fact that just being there, without any communication, is like having a fish in a bowl – you feed it, clean its home, and know it’s there, but you both need something more for like-minded company.

He went looking for it elsewhere; you’re likely to ultimately do the same if nothing changes.

My father underwent brain surgery several weeks ago and in the intensive care unit since. I’m trying to support him, as well as my elderly mother herself. (I was also laid off during this time.) 

My close friends and relatives haven’t contacted me about his condition or how my mother and I are coping. When my husband (we’re separated) inquires, he asks our child.

I thought I had a good relationship with all of these people.

- No Attention-Seeker

Many people react to serious illness by respectfully staying away until they hear a result… whether a positive one, or that there’s been a sad end. 

The surgery is still recent, and an ICU stays involve a waiting period, usually without visitors.

If you want/need to chat or get company for your mom, send out a group email reporting on your Dad’s progress. You’re bearing a lot these days, but don’t let it cause you to withdraw.