My boyfriend’s away working in an isolated oil refinery. The workers live in “camps” where they work, eat and socialize together. 

Recently, I found a credit card charge from a clothing store. He said it was for a coat, exactly like his, that he was giving to a co-worker. That co-worker is a woman.

He resented my tone and comments on the inappropriateness of purchasing an item of clothing for a female co-worker, ($175.00) and said it was to show they were both part of a “team.”

He hasn’t bought other (male) members of the team any such item and I think a coffee mug or something less personal might’ve been more appropriate than clothing which now has them dressed alike.

Am I right to assume it’s going overboard and to suspect there might be something more personal between them?

- Upset

Be careful not to go “overboard,” yourself. The gesture may’ve been innocent, even if excessive; the woman herself may’ve hinted at needing a coat. Your guy didn’t buy it secretly (he used a credit card he knows you can check), and he offered an explanation. 

Back off from open interrogation and suspicions. You made your point, from which he may realize that he needs to be careful not to send the wrong message to this woman.

It’s important when a partner is so far away, and involved with a tight group of colleagues, to convey your trust and love, and not jump to jealous conclusions.

However, if you come across more connections between just these two, it’ll be time for you and he to talk about how couples stay connected even at a distance…or lose it.

I’m 31, dating a guy, 29, for six months and ended the relationship yesterday. 

He was involved in an eight-year relationship, has a daughter with his ex and also supports her son. I discovered that they only stopped sleeping together a month before he met me but claimed they were separated for seven months.

I broke my rules for him: e.g. to NOT date men who drink, smoke, or watch porn, nor live with a man before marriage.

He stopped drinking and smoking and said he’d give up porn. But he’s lied to me so many times about so many things that I cannot trust him.

I did so much for him; moved him into my home when he had no place of his own.

He earns half as much as my salary, and his ex is always asking for extra money beyond his child support and day care payments. She calls at least four times a week for things that aren’t important.

We were planning on getting married next year, but we have such different backgrounds. He was forced to live a life of crime at age 17 and didn’t even finish college.

I’m sick and tired of the lies, deceit, and baby-mother drama. I love him dearly but cannot see myself living with the constant lying and chaos.

Was I right to end it?

- Confused

You compromised your basic principles for this man and he treated you badly in return.  

If your intent was to “change” him, it didn’t work. He took advantage of your generosity and let you down in all his behaviour.

Marriage would prove a disaster, since you already cannot withstand so much deceit.

Stop contact with him, he’s a “user” who knows how to play on the kindness of a “giver” like you.

I’ve been seeing this wonderful girl for two months; I was going to ask her about going somewhere south during winter break but she mentioned she was going away for a week with a girlfriend. This is the only vacation she can afford, and I can’t afford to pay for both of us. 

I feel I should say something, but don’t want her to cancel if she really wants to go with her friend.

Also, I don’t want to come across as controlling. Yet I don’t want her to leave me behind whenever she wants to travel.

- Torn

Ask about taking an overnight or weekend break, locally, at another time, and say NOTHING about her trip. 

You would appear controlling if you suggest she should ditch her friend for you.

And your concern about being “left behind” sounds like an insecure whine.

These are still early days of dating. Relax.