I hate the power dynamic in my relationship with my wife, but how do I change it?

Not a week goes by that I don't wish I had the guts to leave. But what if it's me?

If someone could tell me what to do, I’d do it. I know that I’ve changed and evolved, for the better. My wife has acknowledged this many times.
I’ve been to a counselor many times, and we’ve been to a counselor together, once. My wife thinks I’m the problem and she doesn't need to change. It can't all be me, can it?

Confused Husband

No ongoing power struggle in a relationship is the fault of just one side. The personalities may be polar opposites, but it’s how you respond to each other’s “power” or lack thereof, that affects whether there’s compromises, adjustments, or constant discord.

Though you’ve been to counselling alone and together, you’re not both accepting enough responsibility about the dynamic to meet each other halfway… at least sometimes.

Yet, since you’re the one who’s written, you’re the only one I can address: Waiting for someone to “tell (you) what to do,” is the same as doing nothing. It’s a crummy excuse.

You say you’ve changed, evolved. So what happened to your spine? Straighten it. Get pro-active. Talk to a lawyer and financial advisor to know what’s involved in leaving the marriage.

Talk to your wife about what you need in order to stay together, and insist on hearing what she needs.

Be honest with yourself and her, as to whether these mutual needs can be met. If unsure, get back to counselling for some direction in how to achieve this, not just re-assessing whose right or wrong, when clearly neither of you is happy.

I’m an older man who divorced and raised my three children, seeing them all attend university, and now with good jobs and married.

During the child-raising period and with a full-time job, I volunteered in soccer, community activities, etc., dated many interesting women, and still do.
In the past, I also tried various dating sites only for the experience, but it was difficult to meet women who could fit in with my social life and calendar of community events.

It’s now my view that dating sites are mostly for those seeking short-term gratification.

I believe that community group functions are the recommended place for stable relationships, as they’re generally safe, and participants more likely to have something in common.
People seeking stable relationships can also seek out partners in other areas they normally would frequent… such as places of worship, education classes, laundry rooms, gyms, volunteering situations, or at work (with some caution here).

If one fails to find a partner in any of these areas foregoing that person is perhaps troubled, a smart-ass, or a "climber" who’s incapable of contributing equally towards a relationship.

View from Experience 

I’m less inclined to generalize on why people don’t find mates.

But I will agree and welcome the opportunity to remind readers that some of the community-based ways to meet people often work out well. It’s partly due to a sense of security, and common interests in at least some areas.

Note, too, that being active, friendly, and getting out with people, can bring surprise introductions.

The people you meet may themselves know others who are looking for partners… it creates a network, and one with some supports.

That’s very different from “choosing” strangers on dating sites with no backup assurances of people who know them.

FEEDBACK Regarding the wife whose husband’s concerned about her weight (June 10):

Reader – “Some people use food (much like alcohol) as a crutch. They eat because it comforts them.

“The wife’s defensiveness when her husband brings it up is like her mother with alcohol. Yes, they’re different addictions, but they can work similarly.

“He’s telling her he feels the relationship’s gone off the rails (large weight gains can diminish physical attraction). He’s concerned that her eating’s becoming a problem, threatening their marriage.

“Also, despite both of them having jobs, she defines herself as the only breadwinner, which suggests her defensiveness.

“Maybe going to counselling, and figuring out her food dependency issues might be more appropriate than leaving - it sounds like her husband wants the marriage to work.”

Ellie – Yes, I too recommended counselling, and other changes giving him more responsibility than hounding her about her weight.