I can’t seem to do it all and I feel as though I’m drowning in guilt. My husband and I recently got married, and had a whole timeline mapped out with regards to life expectations. That all went down the drain when I discovered I was in my second trimester upon our return from our honeymoon. I thought I’d caught a bug, but it turns out that bug was a baby.

We weren’t even married six months before we became a family. And we had prepurchased a puppy, a breed not easy to find where we live, who arrived a month before the baby.

I had also accepted a new position at work that has me working European hours. My husband and I decided that before we started a family, we would work our butts off. He agreed to take on many night shifts, and I agreed to this position. We figured we’d be in sync and ironically, it’s sort of working out because we’re up with the baby anyway.

But really, I’m just a walking zombie, falling asleep on Zoom, and basically just failing at everything. Help!

Failed Plan

As Woody Allen once said, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” OK, so it’s not all going according to plan, but you do seem to have taken on a lot and made no attempt at changing anything when you learned you were pregnant.

So first of all, congratulations on becoming a wife, mom and dog owner. Big accomplishments that you should be proud of. As for the new job, if it’s what you wanted, then it’s another huge accomplishment.

But now that you have a baby (and a puppy), shouldn’t you be getting some mat leave? In Canada, most people are eligible for 12 to 18 months, depending on their company and the benefits they provide. You mentioned you’re working European hours, but even in Europe they offer a minimum 14 weeks leave.

I encourage you to take some time off. You have just created another human being! That’s hard work for a woman’s body. Not to mention the emotional toll it takes. In a perfect world, it would be very healthy for you to take time off work completely and then come back to it slowly. But you need time to recover and focus on one thing (or two) at a time, otherwise you will feel like you feel – failing at everything.

Talk to your husband, let him know how you’re feeling and that you need some help. Talk to HR and see what you’re entitled to, and what you can work out with them. And call in the troops: parents, in-laws, siblings – anyone who is willing to take some of the responsibility off you so you can heal, rest and become whole again.

Side note: if you’re starting to feel more than just tired, tell your husband and get help. Baby Blues are normal and usually go away on their own. But postpartum depression is also real and needs addressing.

I live in a duplex attached to another duplex. The four of us share a very wide front doorstep, with steps down to a walkway, and then steps down to another walkway. I was away on business during a recent snowstorm and came back to find ONE HALF of the steps and walkway cleared.

Who does that?!?

Lazy Neighbour

That does seem deliberately unkind. Do you have a problem with your neighbour? You could just leave it and utilize the cleared half of the walkway…… or you could shovel “your” side. But don’t bother saying anything. For whatever reason, the person who shovelled is looking to provoke you. Don’t engage.

FEEDBACK Regarding the bear of a boyfriend (Dec. 10):

Reader – “Is he hoping to persuade people of the rightness of his opinions?  If yes, then he needs to realize that hammering people with his views will probably have the opposite effect.  He needs to model himself on the lighthouse: It doesn't run around shouting ‘Look at me, look at me.’  It just stands there and shines.”

FEEDBACK Regarding teenagers (Dec. 13):

Reader – “While I agree about bringing in another trusted adult to speak with the young entrepreneur, I take issue with your generalization that ‘teenagers think they know everything and that their parents know nothing.’ As a psychotherapist and parent of a teen, my experience tells me that this isn’t true. Many teens go to their parents for advice. The challenge for teens is to develop a healthy sense of self. Often when teens show up as a ‘know it all,’ they’re defending against their own insecurity.”