I recently learned that my friend never paid the $700.00 monthly rent for her share of a three-storey house her mother bought, for over a year. 

My friend only works part-time (she refuses full-time jobs).

Whenever I came by her husband was at home.

I’m sure her mother thought he had a full-time job before she let them move into the apartment.

She grinned and said her mother also pays her cell phone bill and her car insurance.

Her mother works two jobs, and looks exhausted.

I’ve lost all respect for this couple, and for her enabling mother. Should I be honest and tell my friend she’s a user and her mother a doormat?

- Torn in Milwaukee

Better to use your feet rather than your mouth. You’ve lost so much respect for this family, that the friendship can’t continue. So walk away. 

But hold back your verbal judgment and insults. No one asked for your approval. Lashing out with criticism will only stimulate an angry retort and defensiveness. That’s a crummy way to end this friendship since it’ll be deemed your fault, and the message you wanted to send will be lost.

If your friend ever asks you what’s bothering you, then respond that you can’t feel comfortable with her in a friendship of equal adults, because she behaves as a child by taking advantage of her hard-worked mother.

I’ve been having trouble with my older teenage daughter, 15. When we visited family for Christmas, she was angry with me for wanting her to go to Christmas Eve mass, and wouldn’t brush her hair so we could leave. I swatted her, and finally we were able to get out of the house. 

I don’t hit my children on a regular basis, but once in a while, a swat is inevitable.

When we returned home, she told my sister (whom I never got along with), that I “pick” on her, treat her sister, 14, better, and that I swatted her.

My sister talked to my younger daughter who said, Yes, the older one gets yelled at more, because she never listens, doesn’t do her chores, nor follows the house rules. My sister then threatened me about picking on my child, she grabbed at me, and we got into a horrible fight.

My parents are furious with me, and now my oldest only smirks when I tell her to do something, because my family told her to call them ANYTIME if I’m “being mean.”

Ellie, the girls are both in honours classes, and go to a youth ministry regularly.

I’ve practically raised them myself.

Their father only sees them on Sunday for 3-4 hours. Yet I feel I’ve lost control of my own child.

- Upset in Maryland

This incident can be a worthwhile turning point. Since “swatting” only gets you grudging compliance plus a lot of resentment, you need new ways to win your daughter’s respect and co-operation. She’s the eldest, and wants more acknowledgement for being able to have a say. 

Negotiate with her. She wants some rights, you need some help. Start talking to her with understanding that she’s growing up, and discuss how to meet your mutual needs.

This approach isn’t about re-gaining “control,” it’s about building a better relationship.

There are important years ahead, which you don’t want spend in battle.

Reassure your parents that you’re on a better track, then forget about this spat. They were worried for you and your daughter.

After meeting a guy online, he came from Britain to stay. 

I divorced my husband of 24 years, and married this man (for love) three months later. Once we moved in together he became possessive and unaccepting of my older children’s presence.

It’s become unhealthy for all.

I sponsored him and am financially responsible for him until 2010.

How do I fix this so everyone’s a little happier?

- It’s Not Working

See an immigration lawyer and get clear about your responsibilities, even if you separate. 

Then, insist on counselling to try to find ways to compromise and get along better. Invite your children to a family session, as they’re likely troubled by the suddenness of your new relationship; nor was new hubby prepared for grown children.

You can’t “fix” everyone’s reaction, but showing you care enough to try to find mutual solutions, will hopefully encourage the others to do the same.