I met my fiancée online while I was in high school, over four years ago. I moved to her city to be closer to her. We’ve faced parental problems, and her infidelity, but I love her and she’s helped me rebuild trust.
Now, she spends most of her time at my place and a day or two at her parents. However, I feel unappreciated. I go to school, and work; she goes to school but doesn’t work.
I’ve asked her to do some laundry or the dishes or clean up the apartment; nothing’s done. Worse, she’ll lecture me on how I should do it after working, though she’s been watching TV or playing on my computer.
She has no motivation to find a job, yet complains that we don’t go out more.
Our sex life has frozen, which adds to my frustrations and stress.
I’ve tried compromising, but it goes nowhere.
- Sick of Stress
Your fiancée is still in a high school relationship, which you’ve out-grown. She feels entitled to do as she pleases (from past infidelity to current irresponsibility). If you continue to accept this now, it’s a pattern for the future.
It’s time for The Talk… not with anger or threats, but reality. You need and want a partner: it means someone who pitches in to whatever has to be done, for mutual benefit and support. If what she wants is someone who pampers her, you’re not it.
You both need to recognize that you’re at a turning point: you two have little sharing and less sex. So start talking.
My female boss is married with kids; I’m single with a wonderful boyfriend, and caregiver for my elderly parents.
My boss has frequently commented on how “single people” don’t have responsibilities. I told her diplomatically that responsibilities come in all packages.
She constantly favours people who have children, e.g. going home early, coming in late, taking personal days off, etc. But when I request elder care, doctor appointments or any time off, she gives me attitude (even though I put in the overtime).
She once told her staff that “only staff with children can leave early” during an upcoming holiday (because she was leaving three hours early).
She even asked me recently why I’m not as dedicated as the other singles in the team who work 12-hour days and weekends. I reminded her that I’m very dedicated but my personal life is as important to me for a healthy balance.
I work for a huge company that professes work/life balance, no discrimination to lifestyle choices, etc. Do I complain to Human Resources, go to her boss or higher?
I cannot believe her behaviour is allowed (as she’s very vocal).
- Confused
Keep a written log of “unfair” incidents and inconsistent rules, especially any times you’ve been held back from appointments or other needs for your parents. Keep it to yourself until the incidents mount or experience one you can’t accept.
Meantime, try to get along with this woman and, when appropriate, acknowledge the pressures she feels as a working mom, which is what this is all about. (Elder care is just as stressful, I know, but she seems to feel particularly hard-pressed, perhaps because she’s also overloaded at work and doesn’t have as wonderful a partner as you have).
If you find that you MUST complain, take copies of your record of lifestyle discrimination to both HR and her boss.
My son’s wife harassed him to end contact with his friends and family. She doesn’t work or do housework; he cleans and looks after their child after work, and takes the child out on weekends.
He’s stopped talking to me except for one phone call in which he accused me of sending his wife a nasty letter. I didn’t.
I know that isolating a partner is common in spousal abuse. Is there anything realistic that I can do to help?
- Concerned Grandmother
Your son has shown no sign of wanting help. You can only offer caring and support and hope he reaches out eventually. Call him at work and ask if you can help care for the child on a weekend afternoon while he rests or does other things.
If you get to see him or chat, don’t probe or push for more, just say your door is always open.
Tip of the day:
When a relationship has more stress than shared enjoyment, it’s time for The Talk about whether it’s worth staying together.
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