I just finished paying off $20,000 in student loans, in 18 months. I want to travel, as I've never been anywhere. I've been looking for inexpensive resorts but my husband won't spend his hard-earned money on a "trashy" vacation.

When I started looking for exclusive resorts, he said, "That's just too expensive!" Do I just go by myself? I feel he's turning something celebratory into this big drama. And like I have no one in my corner wanting to celebrate my accomplishments with me.

Puzzled

You're both feeling emotional about different, but equally hard-earned achievements - you're paying off debt, his providing security. Both involve pride and personal feelings about these topics.

Change the conversation: This time, ask for his thoughts - without blaming him - on how you two can celebrate the successful efforts of both of you. For example, a romantic weekend in your own city; a camping beach trip in the summer (much less expensive). That's just one approach. Work on more together.

My boyfriend of three years and I have a beautiful baby girl. My boyfriend does a lot - cooking, cleaning, helping me with the baby, works full-time, and also works out to stay in shape.

We live a happy, loving life together. However, on special occasions, he does nothing to make me feel special.

I'm a romantic, finding any excuse to give him something to show my appreciation. He occasionally leaves a note or buys me flowers, but not often, not even on days like my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Mother's Day.

I think that when someone's in love they do everything to make their significant other feel loved. He says I have a fantasized idea of what love really is. I gave up my dream of a fairytale wedding because that was also something he didn't find necessary.

I say I want him to be more romantic; he says it isn't romantic if it's forced... but why should it feel forced if he's in love?

For instance, last Father's Day, I was pregnant and got him a soon-to-be Daddy gift. On Mother's Day, I received nothing because he said I was "not a mother yet." I was hurt. Last Christmas, I gifted but got nothing in return. He said that everything he does, he does for me daily, and these Hallmark occasions don't mean anything.

Maybe I'm not doing enough to be appreciated. Or he just doesn't feel the same way I do about him. Is there something wrong with me for wanting to feel special on these occasions, though he's otherwise a perfect partner?

Hurt

Nothing's "wrong" with you but for the blinkers on your eyes. You're romantic; he's not, yet you almost purposefully court disappointment on those occasions. You build up expectations that you already know won't happen, get hurt and angry, then get down on yourself for being unappreciated.

What's wrong with this picture? Not that much, if you take the pressure off. Be yourself, and let him be himself, too.

You're lucky to have such a "daily" contributor, and you know it. If you relax about who-gives-what, he might start to "get" the nicer feelings of those special days (especially when the baby understands Christmas and birthdays!) and slowly start responding.

BUT, you've created a divide. He knows you're ramping it up before each holiday and does what most individuals do under pressure... gets stubborn about being true to long-held beliefs.

Change your reaction and you're likely to be surprised... over time.

FEEDBACK Regarding the lady whose husband's mood swings are hurting their relationship:

Reader - "I'm in somewhat of a similar position. I emigrated here, work, and have two children and a husband who's away from home a lot, for work. When he is home, he's moody, and likes to smoke marijuana.

"I'd like to get into contact with this lady, as the kind of relationship we both have makes a person very insecure and isolated. Maybe knowing more ladies who deal with the same issues can bring us both into better spirits."

A-I cannot connect people who write me, due to the confidentiality that this column guarantees. However, you're on the right track to seek group support. An organization such as Alanon/Alateen brings together families (including children) living with people who have addictions. Also, counselling could help you and the kids handle the effects of your husband's moods.