I’ve been divorced for a couple of years and our teenage daughter lives with my ex. We have a good relationship, still talk, eat out together, and help each other out. 

My daughter’s reported some upsetting behaviour since they moved into a new place. The neighbours are older and appear to just sit at the window and drink. My ex visits them a lot. My daughter says she returns home drunk.

I still love my ex and hate to see what’s become of her. How can I convince my ex to get some help without alienating her?

- Frustrated

Do NOT just accept as fact your daughter’s description of “drunk Mom.” There may be more to this – e.g. a teenager’s resentment of the move, jealousy of Mom’s distraction by new friends, etc. 

However, if you do notice changes in your ex’s demeanor or behaviour, ask casually about her new home and neighbours, and look for a chance to meet them. If you find evidence of a drinking problem, you have a right and responsibility to protect your daughter, first.

Since you also care about your ex, you should proceed by offering support - information about alcohol abuse, treatment programs and support groups. See www.aa.org to locate local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

I’ve been living with my fiancé for two years; his mother’s nice but manipulating. 

One time I couldn’t find a prized possession; I was crying and made my fiancé call his mom and ask where it was. She’d put it in a suitcase. She’s never liked me since then, because her favourite son got mad at her.

When she’d visit for several weeks, she’d decorate rooms, move kitchen supplies, re-organize things. She’d go into our room, make the bed and fold all of our laundry. My fiancé told her not to do it but on every visit, she persists.

She’s also: 1) Invited herself on our romantic cruise for my birthday (she heard our plans and booked the cruise for herself and her boyfriend).

2) Despite being told by her son that our room is off limits she kept going in there. I found my computer and cell phone charger put into another room, my wallet and purse moved, etc.

3) She threw out my scrapbook papers and pictures, and moved pictures of my family, including my father who’d passed away.

4) She’s also told lies about me to her son, which puts him in the middle.

- Frustrated

There’s more than small stuff here… even though she appears to be trying to help out (in the wrong way) when in your home. But she’s ignored privacy and respect, and created a power struggle between herself and you. 

Your fiancé isn’t “in the middle,” he’s the winner’s Prize! He must take a firm stand.

Decide ahead the best time for her visit, then book a hotel/apartment for her (paid for by you and her son) and invite her. Make lots of time for getting together, so she gets the attention she seeks… even hold a small party for her to see other family and friends, so there’s no doubt of your desire to maintain a relationship. But re-position your home as private space she can no longer invade and rule.

She’ll balk, blame you, and bully your fiancé to change his mind. Alert him to this. He has to carry this off fully, while still showing his love and desire to see Mom, for her to get the message.

I’m 28, married and working at a university. 

I’ve developed a crush on a student, acted flirty and he reciprocated. He’s all I think about. I love that feeling of the newness of it all, the electricity, the anticipation, and guessing if he’s just being friendly or likes me too.

I’ve tried rekindling the magic with my husband but he can get very selfish and I feel like I’m living with my brother.

- Divided

Work harder at “re-kindling”... you’ll need to know you tried your best, should you leave your hubby (very possible) and find that the student has fled (even more possible). 

Mr. Selfish needs a wake-up call; marriage counselling would help you both probe what’s missing in your union.

NOTE: the student crush is an escapist fantasy and could cost you your job. Even if he reciprocates, it’s for a quick fling, not a replacement marriage and long-term commitment.