My husband has an addiction problem. He started smoking pot as a teenager and continued all through university. Once he graduated university, he also graduated on to bigger, stronger, more addictive drugs, like cocaine.
He was capable of keeping his head on straight, getting a job (through the family), and starting a family with me. But once our children were born, I needed him to stop. He did, for a few years, and we had a fabulous life. But then he started again and it all went wrong.
I finally gave him an ultimatum, which he accepted and went into an on-site rehab program. He was gone for six months. He returned to us and was fabulous. I thought we were on the road to recovery and happiness…. And then he left.
He said he realized while he was away that he no longer wanted to be a husband and a father, that he preferred the life of a bachelor. In other words, he didn’t want to quit his partying. I’m obviously sad and think he’s making a terrible mistake. However, it’s not my life; but what do I tell my children?
Need a playbook
I’m so sorry that you are going through this terrible time in your life. Clearly you didn’t sign on to be a single parent and that is now your lot. You sound strong enough to handle it, and I know you will because you don’t have a choice.
I suggest speaking with specialists in the field of addiction, such as a counsellor at Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon. Both are groups set up specifically to help loved ones of alcoholics and addicts navigate the fallout and effects. They should be able to guide you on how to speak to your children using age-appropriate language.
My sister is lazy, rude and selfish. We shared a bedroom as children and, since she’s older, she always had more stuff and basically treated me as though I was encroaching on her space. Our parents did everything they could to keep the peace and make me feel special, but my sister had her moments.
When she left for university, I was thrilled! Finally, my own room. But the truth is, I missed her. We became closer as sisters once we were farther apart in our living situation. We maintained that closeness all through her university years and mine.
Fast forward, we’re both finished with higher education, and have ended up with jobs in the same city, but not where our parents live. We thought it would be fun and sensible to share an apartment. I was fully on board since our relationship had been on such an upswing.
It’s been two months and I’ve clearly made a mistake. My sister doesn’t clean up after herself, expects me to do things for her, and once again, treats our apartment as her space that I am encroaching on.
How do I get out of this?
Selfish Sister
Get a copy of your rental agreement/lease and figure out what your legal obligations are. Then get out. It’s better for your relationship, and better for you not to live together.
FEEDBACK Regarding the daughter-in-law dissed by her mother-in-law (July 24):
Reader – “Your advice to the daughter-in-law is to shower the mother-in-law with love? Let things roll off the daughter-in-law’s back? Don’t let the mother-in-law hurt her? That’s your advice after numerous insensitive, hurtful and rude occasions over more than 40 years?
“The mother-in-law has made it clear to the daughter-in-law that she is not considered to be part of the family. Better advice: if the daughter-in-law finds the relationship and being with the mother-in-law toxic, she should not attend many ‘family’ gatherings.
“What’s the point of being reminded over and over that she’s not valued? She should stay home and engage in things that bring her meaning and joy.”
Lisi – There is usually a reason why people lash out. In this case, I asked questions hoping the daughter-in-law will have an idea. Fear, grief and money can totally grip a person and affect their behaviour completely.
I like your advice to engage in things that bring her (the daughter-in-law) meaning and joy, but I still believe there’s room for family in this scenario.
FEEDBACK Regarding the girl with mono (July 26):
Reader – “My active daughter, at the age of 14, contracted mono. She is now 52 and still suffers greatly from the effects of this virus. She has ME/CFS (Myalgia Encephalomyelitis and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). This is a very real disease and is affecting thousands of people, including many as a result of long COVID (another virus).”