My husband’s a community college teacher; his female colleague "jokingly" told me that he’s her "work husband.” He feels she’s trying to come on to him; he doesn’t welcome her efforts to recruit him for extra-curricular school activities.
She also frequently tells her students about sexual references in their course material, e.g. literature. Students have been overheard joking that if they include "sex" in their assignments for that teacher, she’ll give them top marks.
I think she’s being unprofessional and inappropriate. I get a bad feeling when I'm in her presence. Should my husband talk to his superiors about her behaviour?
- The Wife
The serious question of her professionalism should have to do with your “bad feeling” in her presence. It has only to do with whether she’s, 1) harassing your husband, and 2) behaving inappropriately with students.
The phrase “work husband” is often used casually these days … I’m betting you didn’t laugh at her “joke” and let her know you’re not so casual.
Your husband should handle anything else about how she acts with him – by avoidance when possible, and by refusing activities together. If he feels harassed, he should report her behaviour, on that matter, with details.
She may be trying (and overdoing it) to have students think she’s “cool” and to hold their interest by talking about sex … which IS often referenced in literature. What matters is whether any students feel uncomfortable.
Unless your husband knows this, it’s a harsh accusation and a decision he should think over carefully - with the best interests of the students in mind, not your personal discomfort with her. If he’s sure, he should alert college officials.
I have a loving relationship with my in-laws; my husband and I worked on the family farm for 20 years; his paternal grandfather, who also worked the farm, recently died suddenly.
We, and our children, were away on a week’s vacation and we weren’t called about the death. Due to airport complications, we drove home, so called family to ask them to watch the house for one more day.
That’s when we were informed of his grandfather’s death.
We drove non-stop to get to the last chance for visitation. The funeral was the next day. My in-laws believe they let us have an enjoyable vacation as they’d postponed the funeral so we could attend. But they tainted that memory by what we feel is a lack of concern for us.
We’re devastated at being left out of the loop. We had no time to grieve and were scrambling to find appropriate clothing for our children. Strangers on the street knew before us.
My in-laws don’t get why we’re so upset. My husband feels betrayed by their lack of caring, and that they didn’t even let us know that Grandpa was in hospital the day before we left. My husband wasn’t allowed to say good-bye. What should we do?
Anger and hurt are often part of grieving – a diversion from the reality of loss. Your in-laws were over-protective (likely not unusual, for them) and yes, they were wrong to shield you, but meant well.
Your husband was obviously close to his grandfather and that means they already had the kind of bond that doesn’t require formal good-byes.
You should both focus on the good memories; they’re only “tainted” if you let them be. In time, your husband needs to tell his parents that he no longer wants or needs “shielding” from them, just their love.
I’m a working mother who’s provided extensive support for my son, 35, who lives with ADHD/depression 500km away.
He obtained a college degree and worked minimum-wage jobs off and on until several years ago, when he separated, lost his job and then his baby was born.
He takes meds, but hasn’t been able to pursue any other goals e.g. counselling. He rejects all suggestions.
Although I’m proud of what he’s been able to accomplish, I’m heartbroken and exhausted. I’ve decided to tell him I’ll stop covering his rent, etc., by December 2010.
He may end up on a friend's sofa and may therefore lose his weekend child access. And I need to accept that.
- Too Tired
Get counselling immediately for yourself. This decision has too much potential fallout for both of you, and your grandchild, to be made when you’re exhausted and desolate.
Visit your son, re-connect and examine all possible options.
Tip of the day:
A spouse’s personal discomfort shouldn’t be a factor in judging someone’s job performance.