Our connection was amazing from the start. Then he blew me off for a couple of weeks. When we re-connected, he admitted that he got cold feet.
He’d ended a relationship seven months prior, recently moved, was undergoing business bankruptcy, spending long days at work, and more time with his son.
We both admit that neither of us can deny what we feel for each other. He joked, “Well I can tryyyy to deny it."
However, the last time we were together, he said he doesn't know if he wants to fall in love again (he was hurt from his past relationship) and isn't sure when he’d be ready for a real relationship.
Yet he couldn't look me in the eyes.
He also admitted that he has "some walls" but he’s also acknowledged I’ve been slowly knocking down those walls.
He’s a little insecure about his financial situation, but this doesn’t bother me and I've told him so. He has anxiety because of stresses he puts on himself and past hurt.
I do whatever I can to make him feel safe with me, relaxed and non-pressured so that he opens up more and sees how wonderful it can be.
But I'm having a hard time, not seeing him often enough to keep him in this comfortable environment.
I accept him for who and what he is, flaws and all. And that's what his past relationships never allowed him to be – HIMSELF.
What do I do to get through to him?
Falling In Love
When you have to convince a person to stay with you, the result is often still insecure… on your part, more than his.
He’s set the boundaries – his business, his past hurt, and his son. Your role, in this set-up, is to keep reassuring him, coddling him, ignoring things that could affect you if you convince him to stay together.
But what’s he doing for you besides your making a project of winning him over?
Use this time to look more closely and realistically at what you have besides an attraction (albeit one he’s far more able to delay and distance).
More time apart – suggested by you – is what might get through to him. In other words, you’re not prepared to wait forever, so he’s the one who might lose out.
I’ve previously dated a guy at school a few times and we’re friends with benefits. He does have a girlfriend but it's complicated between them.
He’s confessed how he feels for me and I feel the same way. We’ve kissed a lot in the past month and I'm just wanting to know how I can tell if he actually loves me.
Or, is he just saying that he loves me?
Since he calls this other person his “girlfriend,” he loves her more. Period.
Here’s a lesson in dating-speak: “It’s complicated,” is the way one person tells another that there’s someone in first place in their life and it’s not you.
And FWB also has other meaning beyond being a friend who’s available for sex, and kisses:
It says, you’re available when she’s not… but he’d rather be with her if possible.
He may “love” you when he’s with you, but only as back-up when he’s missing her.
Time to value yourself more than this. Instead of just giving it away to hold onto to someone else’s guy, have the confidence to want to be Number One with someone who’s free and wants you for yourself.
COMMENTARY Regarding the idea that someone has to prove to a partner that they’re not cheating, through sharing computer access:
Reader – “Sharing your email password’s equal to betraying friends and family who trust that their personal correspondence with you is confidential.
“It may contain details of health issues, marital problems, financial issues, wills and children's issues.
“It may also contain legal matters and lawyers letters.
“Imagine the havoc that an angry, jilted lover can do by forwarding the letters to everyone of your contacts.
“Before sharing a password, delete all mail and inform all contacts that the account’s being monitored by an insecure/jealous girlfriend.”
Ellie – An interesting perspective on a worst-case scenario.
It’s worth considering IF someone in your life’s jealous and insisting that you share your email password so you can be monitored.
Better to stop cheating (if you are) or move on from the jealous partner (if you’re not).
Tip of the day:
Convincing someone about a relationship is a set-up for your own insecurity.