Recently, my wonderful husband of 10 years expressed his interest in pursuing a sexual experience with anotherman, with me present.

The way that he explained it, I wouldn’t be very involved.

Did I marry a gay man?

- Surprised

Only your husband can answer that question, despite the labelling that others would apply immediately. But he must answer for both your sakes, and soon.

He may be drawn to experimentation for this one time only, or he may be questioning his own sexual identity.

If you participate or watch, you give permission to crossing the sexual boundaries you’ve had until now, so be prepared that this will affect your marriage in some way.

Also, think ahead: if he IS gay, how would you react?

My husband of six years is my soul mate; we’ve had an affectionate and loving relationship.

Yet several months ago, at another couple’s home where the wife habitually "hangs" on other men when she drinks, MY husband was her target and he reciprocated her flirtations and ignored me the rest of the evening.

Though we were all pretty intoxicated, I don’t know why I didn’t tell him to knock it off… until the next day.

He’d been so drunk that he didn’t remember acting this way - with the exception of her leaning in to kiss him, and that he nearly fell over stepping away to avoid her.

He’s cried, apologized profusely, offered to never see that couple again, and to get counselling.

He’s insisted that he doesn’t find her attractive.

I know that he loves me and honestly believe he’d never cheat.

I’m not a jealous person, and my HEAD knows that he was drunk and messed up. I just cannot get past this. My self-esteem has plummeted to feeling insecure and extremely unattractive. I have bouts of anxiety.

He’s promised to never again drink to that excess. Yet, there had to be SOMETHING that attracted him to her instead of me, right?

I just want to move past this.

- What can I do?

Give it up. You’re chewing on this incident for the wrong reasons – the only one that matters is that your husband never again be so drunk that he has no self-control or later recollection. He’s made that promise, you believe him, and the rest of your anxiety is about you beating yourself up.

You’ve let this event rake up your every insecurity of the past… as if one mistake (albeit a true disappointment) has destroyed an image of perfection you’ve held onto for dear life.

Your husband has since made some right moves, but should also assess his drinking pattern in general.

If you still can’t put this behind you, then counselling for you is the next necessary step.

My close friend thinks that her married boyfriend is also sleeping with his previous “outside” girlfriend, while still living with his wife and children. She’s outraged about this, since she’s waited for him to leave his wife.

She cries on my shoulder but I don’t know what to say to help her, in these circumstances.

- Confused

These “circumstances” provide your friend with the kick in the butt she needs to end her drama.

She’d chosen to accept the role of “other woman” in this man’s extra-marital affair; now his message to her is clear - he’s never going to be hers alone.

Tell her there’s only one self-respecting finish to her story: Leave him.