The woman in the bookstore where I stood gazing at titles moved closer to me, and quietly asked if I could speak with her regarding her “very worrying personal matter.”
I was waiting for an appointment elsewhere, so I said, “sure.” Having written newspaper relationship columns for many years, her request wasn’t that surprising, nor an unusual happening. She thanked me and immediately said that her daughter’s live-in male partner was a “bad choice.”
She described the man’s constant focus on his studies in a professional field, leaving little socializing or relaxed time together at their rented apartment.
I then learned that the “children” we were discussing were both 28, adults with their own interests and ambitions, and that the daughter worked from home.
It wasn’t clear yet why the mother called it a “bad match.” Naturally, I felt empathy for her, knowing from experience that watching your children make mistakes isn’t easy. Of course, not knowing the couple, there was still the possibility that they could meld their relationship and interests into a satisfying blend.
Or, they may decide privately, on their own, without parental interference, to continue with their not uncommon lifestyle, until they decide together to make any changes.
It was time for me to respond factually. I told the mother that any interfering with an adult son or daughter’s choice of a partner can spark long-term resentment and loss of connection with your own adult child.
Instead, be supportive, but let them work out their shared issues themselves. Or you may never forgive yourself.
Every person, and especially parents with a stake in a family’s well-being, also have a duty to themselves to do no harm, neither by interfering in the couple’s relationship, nor by sowing doubts in their minds.
Your daughter will still love you, I told the woman, but only if you change your fixed mind-set about her partner. I urged her to see her parental role differently.
Make plans with her, I suggested, for getting together when possible. Bring over a cooked dinner meal and invite both to join in. Use the time to share your connection, not to critique their relationship.
I can’t stress enough the deep damage that can occur throughout whole, extended families, and which I’ve witnessed or heard about so often, when a self-described “wiser voice” chooses to crash into the hopes, dreams, future plans and daily exchanges that can split apart everyone involved.
During our conversation, my new acquaintance listened closely. I shared what I’d learned from years of hearing similar stories of in-laws (whether mothers or fathers ... yet frequently worse when it came to mothers).
I also shared what I’d learned about families totally estranged between parents and their adult children, with no resolution in sight ... ever. I said that loving and respecting her adult daughter was far more important than trying to prove she’s in an unhappy relationship which she “must leave, based on your opinion but not hers.”
She asked, could she “just tell my daughter that she’s worried about her?” My response: Every parent worries from time to time about their adult children for many reasons, including periodic distancing either to avoid intrusive questions, or not wishing to have the very discussion that their parents might initiate.
To be fair to her, the question this mother repeated one last time, was deep in her psyche: “Shouldn’t I be helping my adult child recognize when they’re not being treated as they should be?”
My response: Tell her that you’re proud of her. Say that their partnership currently appears to suit each of them, and, wisely, also has long-term goals.
Surprise both her and her partner with occasional joint compliments - whether about an advancement in his academic field, or their joint financial ability to rent a cottage for a week’s break together.
I’m grateful that I was able to quickly recognize in this worried mother when someone wavers uncomfortably between their own long-held beliefs (often dating back to those of their own parents) in the task of shaping and aiding their children’s lives.
That’s why I’d immediately accepted my needed response to her, during the discussion this worried mother raised, lasting long enough to strike the right chord for her understanding and acceptance.
By creating her own imagined script of her daughter’s relationship with her male partner, this mother would’ve risked raising endless hurtful discussions, futile accusations, and the worst potential result ... i.e. a painful and protracted divide and distancing between the two generations, and the terrible example of a possible third generation interfering in grandchildren’s lives.