I’m a man, 34, living abroad 11 years, together with a woman until she left me last August. Our stress was her having moved an hour away for a job; weekends and Wednesdays made up our relationship. I couldn’t move with her because of my job. We fought when we got together. I’d previously asked her to marry me (she said yes) but took my proposal back in a rage. I hate myself for it because I love her. Meantime, she kept coming back and sleeping over. I called her one night and found there was another man in her apartment. She told me she loves two men. I love her more than anything, but don’t want to get hurt like that again.
A couple who can’t handle an hour’s “long-distance” relationship doesn’t stand a great chance at marriage. She must intuitively know this, so while she’s still drawn to you, she’s found another man as backup. Though you’re hurt, you must accept some responsibility in this. Rescinding your proposal was very harsh, rather than trying to work out a solution - such as re-locating so you’d both only have a half-hour trip; changing your job; or adjusting to the weekend relationship. Suggest that, since you both still love each other, you talk out these kinds of options and/or get counselling for why this short-distance problem pulled you two apart.
I’m expecting a baby in 2007 and my mate of several years has three daughters from his previous relationship but I’ve never met them. He says he didn’t tell them about me because he didn’t want to hurt his girls, since before me the only woman in his life was their mom. But what about me? It hurts to know that I’m always last when it comes to his ex- and his girls.
- Unsure Heart
It’s natural that the pregnancy hormones may stir your emotions about this, but don’t let them cloud the point: He should’ve introduced you to his daughter’s lives a long time ago, once you were a committed relationship. Fortunately, babies have a way of winning people over, especially children. Insist that he help his daughters adjust easier by having them meet you now and be treated as part of your “family.” They can shop for the baby with you. Be sure and have age-appropriate items for them, too, for when they visit their coming sibling.
I'm a 62-year-old woman diagnosed as HIV positive eight years ago, a week before my wedding to a childhood friend. (He married me anyway). His married son asked him NOT to marry me and then put restrictions on me being near the grandkids. My husband and I couldn’t accept their restrictions and thus ended our relationship with them. They refuse to talk about HIV with us and/or my doctors. However, I have many supportive friends and cousins who accept me. Last week I told my cleaning lady of my HIV status (she saw me sorting my pills). She also cleans for my neighbour and my niece. This lady will no longer clean my house. My neighbour fired her in support of me, but my niece wouldn’t do so and said I should see her point of view. And this poor girl was so upset her husband made her have an HIV test, because their doctor said she could possibly catch it by cleaning my toilets. (Not True!) I’m now not talking to my niece. I don't want to be around people who can't or won't accept me.
- Lonely and Sad in Illinois
Facts: HIV can only pass from to an uninfected person through an open cut or sore, or through contact with the mucous membranes in the anus and rectum, the genitals, the mouth, and the eyes. And it can only be transmitted from the infected person’s bodily fluids, specifically blood (including menstrual blood), semen, vaginal secretions, and breast milk. A cleaning lady is NOT at fault for lack of knowledge. You should have someone, like your husband, put her mind at ease, that she was not at risk in your house unless she’d been directly exposed to those bodily fluids through skin openings. While your stepson’s rejection is abominably narrow-minded, your niece, however, had a right to retain her cleaning lady, who needs her income. Help inform your niece about HIV transmission so she’ll know better, rather than maintain silence.
Tip of the day:
Relationship “solutions” that are tossed out in rage usually create far worse problems.