Following are leftover questions from the live online chat on Hookups – When and Why, (July 31):

My friends pressured me to find a hookup buddy at college, instead of a boyfriend.

They said relationships hold you back from getting the top grades and the internship I want.

I reluctantly agreed, but then found I had to get drunk to get through it, since I didn’t even like the guy who came after me.

I started feeling so uncomfortable; I was doing poorly at school instead of better. So I dropped the whole thing. I won’t even date until I meet a great guy who cares about me.

Didn’t Work Out

You’re lucky to learn early on what you can tolerate and what you can’t.

Alcohol appears to be playing a big role among many people who are having hookups with people they don’t care for enough to date.

And excess drinking can undermine all the goals those people, and you (as you discovered), are seeking academically and professionally as your main priority.

Your instinct is working out best for you.

I’m a romantic and wanted love.

However, you’re laughed at if you tell that to some female friends of mine… they say that looking for love makes women vulnerable and guys take advantage.

Also, they say we’re too young (mostly early-20s) to be in love, and it’s better to get some experience and have sex without all the drama of a relationship.

Romantic

There are many approaches to how to live your life. Ultimately, you have to decide.

A different view for example:

American human resources consultant Susan Patton, a 1977 Princeton graduate, was quoted in a recent New York Times’ article, after she’d argued publicly against campus “hookup culture.”

Her opposing view was described thus: Women should date while in school because that’s where the pool of men with similar intellect and ambitions are. And it’s a lot harder to find them once you’re out working.

Interesting view. I say, follow your own heart, not others’ dictates for you.

I had a lot of hookups during my years in university. It seemed then to be the best way to get through the pressure of school, without the drag of someone being needy of me.

And hookups avoided me getting obsessed with some guy and not paying enough attention to school.

I’ve since graduated, got a demanding job, and have now begun to date. But when my dates want to have sex early on, I’m not sure how to react.

I feel I’m past that hookup for sex-only stage and I want to get to know someone to have a real connection.

So I don’t know if I’m to go back to the old relationship games of dragging out the number of dates as a teaser, or just going for it and hopping into bed.

Confusing Choices 

Dating’s a different scene with different expectations from those accepted in hookups. So don’t repeat that old pattern of bed first and then maybe bye-bye.

Get to know someone through conversation and companionship – yes, the old-fashioned finding out what interests you share, and what your differences are – PLUS doing things together.

In dating, sex is about intimacy, not just physical release. So, don’t “tease” a date about anticipated sex, but DO build the desire over a little time, as you get closer and feel trusting.

I’m a male who feels younger women are trying to prove, ‘We can do whatever guys have always done.’

So they say upfront, it’s a hookup, no feelings, and no attachments, just sex.

I find it cold and insulting. It also puts pressure on how you “perform” for them.

I’m not one of “those guys” who got away with hit-run sex, which seems to be who they’re getting back at!

Resenting Hook-ups

Solution: Don’t have hookups.

Men and women have always been “proving something” to each other, through generations… male brawn, female beauty are just two still-familiar examples.

So now some females want to have sex without ties or emotions. It’s a choice, whether because men did this in the past, or because it currently also suits those women’s lives, or it’s a passing “trend” in certain parts of our society.

If this makes you resentful, that’s in your own head. Nobody’s forcing you to be a hookup buddy.