I’m married just over one month, and have recently gone through some ups and downs not directly pertaining to my marriage, but my new wife is uneasy as a result. 

One way I know this is because I accidentally stumbled over some text messages to her friend saying that she should just pack up and leave, she was not prepared for this, she’s been put through too much already, etc.

In my opinion, we haven’t been through that much at all, but I’m wondering should I say anything or just hope for things to get better, because WE did say for better or for WORSE. And if she’s thinking like that now, maybe she didn’t really mean those words.

- Uncertain in Illinois

Rather than “stumbling” over her text messages you should be communicating with her through the ups and downs of sharing a life together. Things that affect you, affect her. 

If you don’t show your need for her understanding, and trust that she’s your partner and confidante, she’ll turn to friends or family for support.

These are very early days of your marriage, and you both need to learn to be open and honest when stresses occur, so the other person has a chance to be helpful rather than confused or left out.

Forget the texts. Talk to her.

My boyfriend is compassionate and loving, but had a discouraging childhood. 

He flunked out of his chosen college program and has worked diligently in a general labour position for years, making decent money but never achieving his full potential.

He recently lost his job. I see this as an opportunity for him to go back to school in a field that he’s interested in.

I’m willing to be as supportive as he needs. But he’s extremely hesitant.

I need him to realize that getting “that little piece of paper” would open doors. But how do you undo 25 years of his hearing “you’ll only ever be a labourer?”

I don’t want to push him too far too fast... but I also don’t want him to fall back into a position that I know is beneath him.

- Frustrated In Ontario

By focusing on his graduating with “that piece of paper,” you set a bar so high for him that it’s bound to rattle his confidence. 

Start with encouragement instead of push. Suggest an education that he’s interested in for it’s own sake – for him to broaden his general knowledge and feel good about learning new things. Suggest part-time schooling if that feels more logical to him, so he can also work part-time and not lean too heavily on you for support.

Be careful that your “encouragement” doesn’t come off sounding like your need to have him be “more” than a labourer.

Love him as he is, which is how he’ll hopefully gain the self-esteem to reach for his own dreams.

My sister is a drama queen; I can’t take it anymore. She and her husband live with our parents because they can’t afford to buy their own place. 

We have our own home and I know she’s jealous. Yet she’s always getting more attention for her illnesses and problems!

- Enough Drama

Whoa, you’re feeding the green-eyed monster double portions! 

Sis is the one who’s lacking things, yet you resent even her illnesses.

You two haven’t matured beyond childish sibling rivalry. Since you’re the more fortunate and healthy one, this looks worse on you.

My best friend was dumped by her boyfriend; he went back to his baby’s mother. 

She was devastated. I’ve been there for her, holding her hand, counselling her. She’d been getting better.

Now the ex and the baby’s mom had a fight and she kicked him out. He’s trying to get back in my friend’s life. She’s entertaining his calls.

I’m outraged! I know that she’ll eventually let him return. I want to tell her I won’t be there for her if (when) it falls apart again.

Should I distance myself or just walk away?

- Angry and Outraged

You got too involved; now you’re hurt because your time and advice feel devalued. Distance is needed. 

Her life choices are not a reflection of your success or failure. When your friend needs support, the healthy way to give it is from caring, not from your own ego about being the smarter one.