After many years of marriage, it ended three years ago. 

I felt obligated to assist my ex financially until she got a new place to live; it hasn’t been a financial burden for me.

Two years ago I met the girl of my dreams. But last year, she became discouraged with my continued assistance to my ex. I assured her that there’s no smouldering romantic link.

Recently, she mentioned it more often so I made a plan with my ex for her to seek the independence she wanted throughout the marriage. However there was always some excuse why she couldn’t go it alone, although she has a good job.

My lady friend finally said she couldn’t be with someone who had strong ties with his ex. She left me. We still talk, and there may be a small opening in the door.

What should I do?

- Perplexed.

Make a clean but fair break with your ex. Beyond whatever your previous arrangement was, settle on a reasonable sum of money that helps her live decently, but affordably on her own salary. Get a lawyer to draw up the papers making this your final settlement. Then, advise your ex-girlfriend of this move. 

HOWEVER, before you take her back into your arms, go over in your mind what this was all about… was she truly worried that you still had romantic feelings for your ex, or was it about her wanting you to have more money available, and about her own financial position in the relationship?

I’ve recently discovered that our oldest daughter was sexually abused twice when she was age 8, by my husband’s brother, when he was 17 and baby-sitting for us. She’s now a social worker in her late 40’s. 

I’m struggling with whether to tell my husband. His family enjoys frequent get-togethers; I don’t know if I can face this brother again.

At the time, our daughter told my husband’s mother something; she asked me if I knew anything. Unfortunately, there’d been a molestation incidence with our daughter, two months prior, with my own teenage brother, and he never was alone again with our girls.

I told my mother-in-law about that, and said our daughter must be mixed up between the two uncles. How I wish now I’d asked my daughter about her comment!

All the females in my family have been sexually abused - myself twice as a child by a neighbour and a stranger, and our younger daughter was brutally raped in her teens by a stranger. She had professional help, but committed suicide in her 20’s.

I need help with this issue - I have no one I can talk to about it. I feel very guilty about not pursuing the matter further at the time

- Troubled

This is your daughter’s story, not yours, so ask her if she wants her father to know and who should tell him. If she’s managed to deal with this past event, and attends family functions, she may not want you to raise the matter. 

However, your feelings of guilt, compounded by your own and your other daughter’s experiences are making this much harder for you.

It’s important for you to get professional therapy, to deal with this new information and not be overwhelmed by your family’s unfortunate history, and to avoid depression and deeper guilt.

Readers: The critical message from this mother is that all adults must pay close attention to children’s accounts of abuse, and pursue the truth at the time.

My niece had a large wedding last September with 300 guests. I attended the wedding, but missed one of her two showers, due to time conflicts with my work/volunteering schedule. 

My sister-in-law was very upset, saying family takes precedence.

I gave the couple a substantial gift certificate from their wedding registry store. There’s been no acknowledgement of any gifts received, to me or other immediate family members.

How do I indicate that I’m disgruntled without stirring up hard feelings?

- Miffed

You’re trying to get back at your sister-in-law, and you WILL stir family dissent. Though it’s “proper etiquette” (Amy Vanderbilt) to send thank-you’s within two months of a wedding, today’s brides are often busy working women who take up to a year to finish the task. 

Let someone else in the family ask about the gifts, and don’t let sis-in-law squabbles affect how you relate to this newly-married couple.