My boyfriend of eight months and I have the first successful long-term relationship I've had in six years of my 20s.

He's loving, tender, compassionate, and caring. However, for about four months, sex is the last thing on my mind.
I've been struggling to find a part-time job to pay the bills, also to establish myself as a self-employed writer.

Plus, my roommate is a manipulative narcissist and my boyfriend and I have health problems in our families.

He has night terrors – often waking in the night screaming at me, verbally abusive, a couple times a week.

I started to get more withdrawn with him. We discussed and established it made sense why I’d pull back.

He can’t control his nighttime behaviour and always apologizes for it!

He did go to sleep with a more conscious mindset towards not yelling. I'd just tap his shoulder, whisper ”everything's okay," and he'd apologize in his sleep, and roll over.

He’s now taking a leave of absence from his stressful job.

At 29, he's finally seeking therapy to deal with his anxiety and past emotionally abusive relationships.

It’s been stressful. He's relying on me more emotionally, but reminding me not to feel guilty that I can't fix all of his problems.

We're maybe having sex three times a month. But I feel guilty for not wanting it more often. He says he loves me and understands.

When we first started dating, I could barely stop!

But I'm afraid that this is some huge red flag that I'm unable to fix.

I think his therapy is bringing us closer. But I'm afraid my libido will hurt us if I can't rev it up.

Guilty or Not?

Sex isn’t the issue; it’s the situation. And the red flag IS flapping.

Therapy for his night terrors may take an extended process. Meanwhile, he’s not working, the bills rest on your shoulders, along with his emotional well being, because you act as his “rescuer.”

Add life’s other pressures and no wonder your libido has decreased!

You were only with this boyfriend four months before the stress affected you this way. Frankly, I think you need a break from him, while he probes his anxieties further.

I suspect you won’t agree, in which case you need to back off as co-dependent and try to clear your emotional “duties” by not analyzing all his issues. Focusing more on your writing, spend time with your family and friends. Find a new roommate or avoid/ignore the one you have.

Our mother left our father and home last year, moving into a room in a stranger’s house. She took an extra job to pay her expenses.

We, her two adult daughters, were shocked. Dad still loved her and urged her to return home. She said she needed her independence.

After seven months, she couldn’t afford anything but rent and food; no culture or travel, that she thought “freedom” would bring.

She’s moved back home, she and Dad sleep in separate rooms, go their own way, but he’s happy whenever they can be together.

What are we to think?

Flummoxed

Think that Mom, like many people, has inner needs and dreams. She tried to meet them one way, but then found a compromise.

Talk to her about it, without judgment. She may surprise you with insights.

However, if there are any serious personality changes (e.g. depression or further sudden moves) that worry you, ask her to consider a health check to reassure you two.

Regarding the grandmother worried about her overweight pre-teen granddaughter, whose parents provide unhealthy nutrition (March 6):

Reader – “The easiest thing for the grandmother to do, without making a big deal out of it, is to get her granddaughter exercising.

“My pre-teen was overweight, and had a huge appetite. I didn't make a fuss about it, but convinced her to go for walks with me every evening after dinner.

“We started off with slow 10-minute walks, and gradually increased both the speed and length of our outings.

“In the winter, I took her swimming at our local recreation centre, or we went to the mall and walked.
“We had fun, got to talk about our day, and gradually we started to set goals for how long and far we could go!

“My teenager now is slim, fit, and confident. The grandmother could do the same when she visits, and encourage the parents to do the same.”