I met my husband while on vacation in the Caribbean where he lived, and married him. He’s still there after three years. I live in Canada.

Initially, he’d said he was living with his young daughter and her mother (his ex-girlfriend) in the same house, but in separate rooms.

He wished to move out, either with or without his daughter. He still maintains he wants to move out, but hasn’t.

I see him there two to three times a year. He spends the week with me in a resort hotel.

I’ve repeatedly asked him to move out, either with his child or by himself. I’ve been clear that our marriage is on the line, and that I cannot fill out his immigration forms unless he changes his living situation.

Should I end my marriage or continue to play the waiting game?

Island Resort Wife

You need more than “waiting games” to resolve this marriage-in-name only.

Discover what’s going on. Can he not afford to move out? Has he nowhere he can move? Is his ex preventing the child’s leaving?

Are you certain that the couple does not have a sexual relationship, and he just wanted to emigrate through your sponsorship?

Until you have solid information, or he refuses to provide it, your own life’s in limbo.

When you do know his true circumstances (or his game), respond accordingly. Either find a way for him to change his situation – with a deadline – or file for divorce.

I’ve never felt the need to be in a relationship with a man, so had only been briefly involved with anyone.

Several years ago, I re-connected with a long-ago "fling."

He’s married with older kids (one teenager, three young adults) but we became involved and he divorced his wife.
We loved each other very much.

However, anytime he became stressed out about his work (self-employed), demands on his time, etc., he’d withdraw without warning, from everyone including me.

There’d be no contact for several days, and he’d ignore my calls/texts until he emerged.

When I expressed my concern, he said that’s how he always dealt with stress. I suggested he see a therapist to learn more positive ways.

Six months ago, he withdrew again. I got angry and went over to his place to return some stuff. He said he’d call me to return my stuff.

A month later, we met for lunch and he explained that he just couldn't handle what was going on in his life - middle-aged, self-employed, and hates what he does to support himself, misses his kids, didn't see what kind of future he was going to have, etc.

I think it caused a breakdown of sorts and I was just one more "thing" to handle.

I asked if he wanted a break and he jumped at the lifeline. He’d already been seeing a therapist.

It’s five months since I last spoke to him, no response to my Christmas card.

Should I try one more time to contact him? I'm finding it hard to fully let go without the chance to express my emotions about what he's done to me.

No Closure

Fulfill your need to express your feelings in a letter. Trying to get together to do so is an exercise in humiliation, not closure. If he wanted to face you, he’d have done so.

Even if you embarrassed him into trying again, it wouldn’t work. He can’t yet handle these life changes.

Therapy, IF he continues, might help. But it won’t guarantee a return to your relationship.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man who was fired by his therapist (April 9):

Reader  - “I also found that just chatting with my therapist was helpful enough.

“Sometimes people are just not ready to deal with issues, and pushing them to do so isn't going to change that.

“I felt that my therapist was bored or annoyed with me. It seemed like she was pushing her own agenda on me  (that being that she wanted to feel like she was accomplishing something, or else to avoid what I actually was dealing with.)

“I think it's sometimes better to just chat with friends, as they really care about you. I find support in peer support groups now and with friends.”

Ellie – Whatever helps you through a certain period, is obviously what many people are going to choose. A therapist’s process, however, can help you not keep repeating the same negative pattern.