My usually wonderful stepson is 19. His dad and I have been together five years. My stepson lives with us, and has developed a serious pot habit.

Aside from my believing chronic pot smoking can negatively affect health, it's still illegal here.

I have a vindictive ex-husband who’d stop at nothing to hurt me in the biggest way, by attempting to gain custody of our children, ages nine and eleven.

Hearing from them that their stepbrother’s smoking pot, would be enough for him to call the police, Children's Services, etc.

My stepson says he’ll move out in a couple of months when he finishes college. He views any possible consequences of the pot, meanwhile, as my problem, not his.

His dad won’t state any consequences or punishment for him, and only barely admonishes him for something that could destroy me.

I also worry that his dad’s only interested in an "easy" relationship instead of a family. I love him but I already suffer from serious stress issues. And this isn’t helping. What should I do?

Smoking Gun

Use the two-months-only as your hook. Since you and his dad aren’t taking on his pot-smoking for it’s own sake (addiction, long-term health effects), focus only on the good feelings you normally have for him, and how he’s a role model for his step-siblings.

All you ask – for two months – is he smokes away from the house, and not let the kids know about it, even if they ask.

Meanwhile, dial down the sense of panic you’re feeling, as it’ll only increase stress for everyone. Having an older stepson smoking pot, especially one who’s moving away, is not a certain factor that will lose you a custody battle.

The far more important facts are how settled the kids are with you, what kind of parent you are, what monitoring you do of their behaviour, and the results of that.

While your husband’s removed attitude is not helpful, this is still a family-in-process after divorce(s). He doesn’t have to be the heavy in threatening his son with punishment. He simply has to tell him how important he is within this family, and how much you all rely on him to step up to helping in a tough situation, for two months.

When my mother died, none of my wife’s siblings and their spouses or parents came to the visitation centre or funeral.

They weren’t on great terms with my wife then, so we both wrote it off.

Recently, my pops died at 91. Once again, no one showed from her side.

The father was in hospital, the mother wouldn’t drive 30 minutes to the funeral home, not a word from the brother living away, another sibling was away on vacation, another was leaving to go out of town, and a sister said it was too far to drive 40 minutes. We’re all in our 50’s. Emails of condolences were sent to me.

My wife and I are hurt. I don’t care if I ever saw them again but need to support my wife’s feelings. She accepts the way they are and wants to leave it at that. What do I do?

Disappointed

If supporting your wife is the goal, then you’re stuck with the way they are – rude, thoughtless, insensitive, and not deserving of much in return.

Yet, when the time comes for their own losses, you’ll do the right thing, because you’re made of different stuff. And you believe in supporting your wife.

FEEDBACK Regarding suggestions for helping single moms on low incomes (March 8):

Reader – “When things were tight, my friend/neighbour and I helped each other. I was a student, one evening class (weekly) kept me out until 9:30pm.

“My two kids went to my friend’s house after school on that night. They played with her toddler, and watched TV, which we didn’t own.

“Then they’d all go to my house and heat up a supper I’d pre-prepared. The table was already set, a jug of juice or milk in the fridge, along with a simple dessert.

“Later, I’d get them from my friend’s house where they’d returned, put them to bed, then clean up.

“Making a meal for all cost me very little extra, and I knew that my kids were in good hands. For her, having a meal all ready, no dishes to wash, and help looking after her child, was a break.”