My brother-in-law's second wife and his son (then nine) didn't get along. Many weekends, father and son stayed with us, because things were so uncomfortable at home.

A year ago, when out with the couple, my BIL mentioned that his wife has a new male friend out of town, and how insecure it makes him feel. He wanted our opinion. We knew she'd FREAK if he suddenly had a female friend whom he hung out with when working out of town. We said just that.

My BIL would often spend several nights here because they were fighting (sometimes physically) and "getting divorced." Then they'd make up.

My husband told a mutual friend his feelings about this woman. This friend shared with BIL's wife that my husband thinks she's having an affair and she's a bad stepparent.

His wife severed all contact with us but sends my husband emails explaining how hurt she is and wants nothing to do with him. My husband sometimes sees his brother, who says he'll "support her feelings" of hating my husband, though I feel he's the one who ruined our relationship with his wife.

We shouldn't have said anything to this mutual friend. But BIL told his wife everything we thought, anyway.

He wants my husband to apologize to his wife but my husband feels she's a huge manipulator and he shouldn't apologize for caring and worrying about his brother and nephew.

Torn Family

Sorry, your husband has to show caring for his brother now, by apologizing. You both got drawn in too deep, and crossed a line you should've avoided.

Couples fight, they make up, and no close sibling should ever say, especially publicly, the spouse is all bad... or they risk losing the relationship. And this wife appears to be a person who tests her husband's loyalty.

So long as his brother stays with her, your husband will be the bad guy. An apology is an admission that he shouldn't have spoken ill of her (which you both know).  And that he regrets that it hurt her and hurt his brother.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young wife whose husband kept all their finances a secret (Aug. 13):

Reader #1 - "My friend's husband behaved similarly. Years ago, I told her she needed to know where her money was. She didn't pursue it. After 28 years of marriage, he walked out, and their finances were a total surprise. Her mortgage, which she'd thought had $26,000 left, had been increased to $200,000. The RRSP's she thought he had, never existed. Two inheritances she'd handed over to him to invest for her are nowhere to be found.

"She's now in her mid-50s, with little security, though she worked full-time for most of the marriage and contributed her pay to their joint account, which he controlled.

"Would this young wife know what to do if her husband died or was comatose or walked out with another woman? Would she even know where to start looking for hidden money?

"Anyone whose spouse won't share this information should wonder why."

Reader #2 - "I used to give financial advice to seniors and people on low income. It's amazing how many older women did not even know how to write a check, never mind what their husband earned or had. One woman thought they were poor, and was astonished at how much her husband had squirreled away, and another woman found out her husband was supporting another entire family."

I'm 22, at university. I had a seven-year crush on this guy I met online and finally confessed months ago.

We met, and he said he likes me, too. I've never liked any other guys; he was always in my heart. Now he's suddenly unsure, and scared that if we're more than friends, we could hurt us both.

In our culture, we need our parents' permission to marry or be together. He thinks we should just be friends. But I still love him. He says I should stop talking to him.

Going Crazy

Your long-term secret crush provided only an imagined relationship, so that his uncertainty feels like a full-on break-up. It isn't. For your own emotional well being, you must force yourself to get out with friends and start to date, so you can experience more face-to-face communication with others.

Also, go to student counseling to talk this out with a professional therapist.