I’d been with a woman for four years; we’d talked about marriage, but it fell to the wayside. I’d told little white lies and looked at other women. One day I purchased a yard sign off a school cheerleader and her parents and my gal got mad and broke my new LCD TV - she later replaced it. I believe that if you love someone you forgive them, so I did. Then, her friend came over on drugs, trying to hand them out like candy. My girlfriend didn’t like it and said she needs help. Her friend said my gal was the one with a problem…an anger issue. Since then, she left me and now I’m sad and always crying. I had to get on some meds to calm down.
Unless you like living in a soap opera, this girlfriend creates too much drama. You’re both better off taking a break for each of you to calm down. The only way to re-start this relationship is to talk out what changes each is willing to make. “White lies” that destroy a partner’s trust are not really “little,” and you need to commit to not making them. However, your girlfriend’s reactions are excessive and volatile. She needs to recognize her anger problem and learn to control it… with professional counselling. If she smashes something else when you suggest all this, RUN. It’s better to be sad awhile over a romance lost, than be battered by someone who knows you’ll forgive her.
I’m married for 27 years with two grown sons, and having problems with my husband's close female "friends. He goes for lunches with them, and has even gone on trips with one. I was hurt and angry; he apologized. Sometimes he calls them secretly, and then when questioned, denies it or gets upset, causing frequent fights. He has relationships with female colleagues too, but says he’s not cheating. I feel he doesn’t care for my feelings. I said we can keep in touch with the woman’s family, but not overdo his calling and talking to the wife. He’ll say hurtful things to me when I raise this; it’s been going on for five years. I’ve tried some counselling, but was advised that we need couples counseling. He refuses, saying there’s nothing wrong with the marriage.
You two appear to be living separate lives: he thinks he’s a free agent who can befriend whom he pleases, without considering the effect on you. Meantime, you come up with rules for his friendships and prescriptions for counselling, as if you’re his boss. This isn’t a marriage partnership, but rather a power struggle. What’s needed is explanation on his part – and compassionate listening on yours – as to why he wants and needs these friendships. And he needs to hear from you, not in a confrontational way, how they leave you feeling an outsider, and add up to emotional cheating. Try to have this conversation with your husband. But if neither of you can handle it, point out how important it is to have an objective third party, such as a pastoral counsellor or a therapist, help you understand each other. Or your marriage IS at risk.
I’m in a 10-year relationship but met a nice guy; he came to my house and we spent a great week together. Then things went wrong for me and I had to move back in with my boyfriend. The other guy and I haven’t talked. He’s also in a longtime relationship. I’m always thinking of what could have been. My boyfriend is always yelling at me but I feel I have nowhere to go because we have kids together. I don’t know how to tell him I don’t love him anymore without him getting mad. I’m scared of him, he’s pushed me a few time.
You need a plan, and it involves finding support services and your own strengths, rather than relying on any other guy to change your life. There are women’s hotlines for the kind of information you need: where to get accommodation, help with the children, finding a job and a safe way to leave this man. When you have a plan in place, you will feel more confident to start to choose a better life for you and your children.
• Assaulted Women’s Hotline is a 24-hour telephone crisis hotline, which offers needed help. Call 416-863-0511; see www.awhl.org
Tip of the day:
When a partner’s anger becomes destructive, and change is unlikely, it’s time to save yourself.