Our 20-year marriage is dead but we love our kids, ages 14 and 16. My husband thinks the benefits of raising them through college (we'll be 65 by then) outweigh the negatives of our loveless marriage.

I think it's more honest to separate now, set up a strong co-parenting arrangement, if possible, and establish new family patterns sooner than later. Both kids had difficult years, and one has a learning disability. I left my job (willingly) several years ago to be at home.

My husband became increasingly verbally abusive toward me. He was also short-tempered, emotionally neglectful, narcissistic, and smoked too much pot.

However, he was brilliant and a good provider with a childlike zest for life. I began personal therapy. I now believe he has Asperger's Syndrome. Two years ago he left a successful position to set up a home business. I discovered evidence of a four-year, sporadic, long distance affair. I asked him to leave and set up a separate home and office.

In retaliation, he told the children the details of his affair. Our daughter was devastated. He ended the affair soon after but refused to leave the house, suffered health problems, and struggled with his new business. He became a calmer, more dependable and likeable person. He's trying to get his marijuana abuse under control and now keeps it away from the kids. Our relationship has gone from corrosive to cordial.

But I'm done. The kids were also ready to pack it in two years ago. But they're now happier with their "new" dad. One is struggling in high school and with self-image.

Should I be the martyr/hypocrite who stays with Dad after his affair? Do I let him retain an office in the home, so he can have daily contact with our children or, as my counsellor advises, make a clean split with separate households?

Trying for Best Solution

For a separation to be the better choice, you must both commit to joint custody arrangements that keep you equally significant in the children's lives. That includes not blaming each other for why the marriage ended.

A clean break is wiser IF you do break up. But, consider that the affair and unpleasant temperament were part of the "old Dad" who's now changed. Discuss with your therapist whether it's possible you too can change your attitude toward this man.

Being "done" reflects the frustration and resentment you harboured for years while raising the kids, enduring unpleasant circumstances (and not understanding much then about potential Asperger's).

Now, it's worth a try at working together to maintain this better environment.

If, after six months, you feel no personal hope of a happier life with him, you'll at least have set up a better background for negotiating a separation that makes co-parenting easier.

I'm 24 and working. My mother's been in an 11-year abusive relationship. He's physically assaulted her and been jailed. He's verbally abusive towards her, my sister, my brother and myself.

Mom finally left him, but she still sees him and is threatening to move back. We've left before and he's never changed, he's getting worse - physically assaulted his own son and angers quickly. My sister and I worry about finances and how to talk to our mom about this as she just yells back.
Frustrated

Seek independent help (financial and counselling) for you and your siblings. Contact a local abused women's agency about the situation. Your mom will likely also need them in future.

I'm 31, with a wonderful fiancé. But his brother hates me and influenced the entire family to dislike me. I don't know why.

Their mother's under palliative care. My future brother-in-law says I'm disallowed from visiting her, or attending her funeral. He's told my fiancé that he won't inherit if he stays with me, and threatened to cut ties. I fear my fiancé could lose his family, or our relationship will end.

Worried

Your "wonderful" fiancé needs to step up, discover the cause of his brother's hostility, and tell you straight.

Then, it's his job to inform the family that either 1) you did nothing wrong, or 2) you apologize for unwittingly offending his brother (which you must do in person), or 3) he won't put up with this nastiness, and will visit his mother with you.

He should also see a lawyer in case there's some coercion going on about the will.