I met a guy in a bar who asked for my number. He seemed nice, so I took a chance. He called and asked me out.
We had a terrific time, he told me about himself and mentioned a “disturbed ex” he broke up with three years ago. We texted a lot over the next week.
The next time we dated, I went back to his place. While there, a woman let herself in the door. He looked shocked, asked where she got his key, and threatened to call the police.
She screamed that he loved her, threw things at him, and finally left. We were both shaken. He asked me to stay but I quickly left.
I like this guy but don’t know whether to trust that he really did break up with this woman way back, or it was very recent, or not at all. Also, I don’t know how dangerous it is for me to see him again.
His own surprise at her having his key, and his threat to call police, back up his story.
Still, he has an ex-girlfriend who’s either unhinged, or has sound reasons to be so angry with him.
You don’t know him well enough to stick by him, without a lot more information.
You want straight, provable answers: When did they break up, after how long together, and why? If she’s a stalker, why hasn’t he gotten a restraining order?
If you decide to keep dating him, get to know his close friends and family. Raise the matter of his ex, and hear what they say.
However, proceed cautiously if at all. This woman may also come after you.
I’ve been dating a terrific man for 18 months. His wife had died in a car accident a year earlier. He and his family were devastated, she’d been the backbone of their relatives and friends, they’d been married for 24 years, and she was very active in the community.
I’d been alone for several years, after my common-law partner died of a long-lingering cancer. I didn’t think I’d ever love again, but I fell hard and he seemed to fall for me quickly, to his own surprise.
We still live in separate houses in the same city. We travel together a lot (he’s semi-retired), have met each other’s friends and family, but in between trips we lead fairly separate lives. We speak to each other daily.
I understand that marriage would be complicated – it’s unlikely his three adult daughters could accept that yet. Also, I believe they’d fear my financial status as a wife (I’m not poor, I can manage well on my own money so that’s not my goal).
We always talk of our next trip, but never of our future. I know for sure that we love each other. What should I do?
All There Is?
What you have is a lot – love, travel, part-time companionship, and part-time independence. It’s a couples’ formula many would adore!
However, you can lose it by over-worrying about the future.
You don’t need his money for your own security. And you certainly don’t want to invite family squabbles and mistrust of you into your currently peaceful situation.
Unless things start to change negatively – e.g. he sees you less, or his daughters create stress - enjoy what you have, and stay closely connected emotionally.
Time will bring natural changes, and you’ll both recognize if it becomes important to live together, perhaps marry.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband lacks passion, even though the two are relatively young (April 19):
Reader – “The first thing to do, rather than leave her husband, is this: He needs a work up by a urologist with blood work!
“I’m betting his testosterone levels are low... Also, I question what medications he may be taking. And which medications should he be taking?
“Incidentally, I’m someone who’s seen some 800 patients referred to me by urologists.”
FEEDBACK Regarding "Not Horrible Mom" whose narcissistic ex-husband consistently badmouths her to their kids (April 15):
Reader – “She needs specific professional help for insight on how to rear her children in this situation.
“The subtleness and destructiveness of his pathological behaviour is the issue.
“Issues such as PTSD, anxiety, depression, chronic health problems, destroyed reputation, etc. are often the result of an intimate relationship with a pathological person, and can also be experienced by the children.”
Tip of the day:
Beware an erratic ex-partner’s current behaviour, as well as the past cause of rage.