I've been in a long relationship; we’ve had our ups and downs. A while ago I broke up with him, and spent time "working on myself.” He was very hurt by this, but eventually we got back together.

He then started an emotional affair (which he admits to as that) with a coworker. I confronted him and said I’d leave.

He immediately saw that it was wrong and told the co-worker they should never speak again. For the last year he’s been amazing, and has been completely into our relationship. I think we're moving toward marriage soon, but I am still hurt by this indiscretion.

How do I get over it and move on? Or will I never get over it?

Still Hurt

This is a sore you keep scratching yourself. Your leaving him was a major trigger to his feeling a need to talk to someone else. He clearly loves you and wants the relationship to last as he cut off that person completely… which is often difficult in a workplace.

Now you’re holding him and yourself hostage to a prolonged nursing of your hurt feelings. No matter how “amazing” he is, you can always drag this out and make him feel he has to try harder.

Eventually, he’ll get fed up and leave.

Get back to “working” on yourself – this time through individual counselling instead of escaping the scene. And probe why you’re never fully happy even with what’s going well.

I’ve been a pretty close friend with this man for years. We both dated others but there was always a loving connection between us.

We tried to turn it into a relationship several months ago, but the sexual chemistry wasn’t there, and he tried to indicate I just didn’t turn him on. I was somewhat insulted but still felt the old friendship was worth saving.

Then, my dog died. I’d had this dog since his birth 16 years ago. He was truly my “best friend,” always there after a hard day, a break-up, and a disappointment. I’m 36, have no children, and my dog was a faithful companion in a single workingwoman’s sometimes-lonely world.

My friend phoned the day I had to put the dog down. I was sobbing and explained why. He called the next day and I said I was a wreck, had stayed in bed, and skipped work. He stopped calling after that. A week later he emailed me, asking how I was and saying he’d let me heal on my own.

Do I email back what I think of his inability to understand when he’s needed most, and that he should’ve come over to see me, or just accept that’s who he is?

So Disappointed

I empathize with your loss, having had two devoted dogs for 18 years each.

This man is NOT your “close” friend. He distances himself from anything that doesn’t please him. The sexual disconnect was broadly hinted to be your fault. The grief for a dog’s death was yours to experience without his support or caring.

He left you devastated from your loss for a week without even checking on you.

Any critical comments you send him will be twisted to look like you’re taking out your sorrow on him. Using email is a mistake as he’s the type who’ll circulate it to prove that YOU’RE the bad guy, never him.

Harsh reality has woken you up to the fact that you can no longer consider him a friend. Don’t respond and cool any contact.

FEEDBACK Regarding your Live Chat on post-Breakup Blues in which you said the first rule to moving on was to “Accept that it’s over” (Nov. 7):

Reader – “I know of two couples where one of the spouses decided they wanted a divorce, which came out-of-the blue to the other spouse.

“Instead of just moving on, they got into counselling to discover the reasons behind the divorce request, and then came to the realization there were some misunderstandings and that they both needed to make some changes if they wanted to keep the marriage.

“Both marriages are still intact two to three years later and much healthier then they were previously. Communication is a great thing.”

Ellie – I always recommend counselling whenever there’s willingness on both sides to seek understanding of what’s not working for one or both partners in the relationship. Then, it’s not over till it’s over.