Recently, I overheard my husband’s female cousin disclose to him her affair with his best friend.

She said not to tell me, and to delete any text messages about it.

Her lover’s married, we’re close to both him and his wife, and Godparents of one of his young children.

I informed my husband that I’d overheard. He replied somewhat angrily that it wasn’t his place to tell his friend’s wife about the affair.

My husband himself had an affair last year and we’re still working through that.

I want to tell the wife. My husband thinks his first loyalty is to his best friend (who’s aware he knows).

I know how upset and angry I’d be if my close friend knew my husband was cheating and didn't inform me.

We don’t live nearby, so it’d have to be done by phone. I’ve also lost respect for my husband's cousin, for encouraging my husband to lie to me and be deceitful.

As a betrayed spouse myself, how do I tell, and still stay loyal to my husband?

In the Middle

Though you’ve shared personal experience, as well as close friendship, the couple’s illicit affair isn’t about you or your husband.

It’s about a family, and a child you’ve vowed to protect as godparents. You both accepted that responsibility. It’s where first loyalty calls.

Your husband is well positioned to talk openly to his friend… about being discovered a cheater and dealing with a devastated wife. He can tell him about the struggle to “work through,” about the time and focus taken away from kids, about the awkwardness (deceit, guilt) of living two lives.

If he can convince his best friend to re-think the affair, you need do nothing.

Otherwise, think whether you want to tell because you too were betrayed, and also to get back at the cousin. These are the wrong reasons.

If you do proceed, have a conversation in which you ask her the right leading questions instead of giving answers:

“How’s everything? How’s (her husband) these days… working hard? Why’s he so busy lately? Did he always travel for business?”

She may come to her own conclusions, and then you can be supportive.

Our son returned home from first-year university. He’d dropped two subjects and received an academic probation.

He wants to get his "own dog." We have a dog, here for seven years, for whom he was barely involved in walking or care.

He brought home a pet snake and we bought a larger aquarium. He didn’t secure the top and the snake escaped. We think it's probably dead now, since it went into a hole in the wall.

I don’t think we should get another dog, as I’m the primary care giver.

I told my husband that maybe our son’s disappointed in life or depressed (his younger brother got accepted at a top university, having graduated with a high average). I think the real issue here is being avoided instead of discussed!

Pet Caregiver

On the dog – he gets his own dog when he has his own place and full responsibility. He showed carelessness with the snake.

On depression – it’s good that you understand. Now help him understand, and to recognize he’s legitimately feeling disinterested, and discouraged.

Suggest career counselling (it’s more easily accepted sometimes than individual counselling) to help him connect with his natural interests and talents.

This can be a real mood-lifter when he sees how an objective professional assesses his potential and shines a light on opportunities he can pursue.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man whose formerly nice wife of 22 years changed completely since menopause (June 19):

Reader – “Yes, there are many changes in menopause, but she has far surpassed those changes. I’m a woman and have gone through the many challenges, so I know whereof I speak.

“That woman needs a mental health expert. She is not just in menopause – it’s caused her to go into deep depression, or anxiety, or both, and she needs counselling and or meds.

“Her behaviour is “not just normal menopause behaviour.”

“I agree they both need help, big time, but if I were him I would feel sorry for myself, too.”

Ellie – He already feels sorry for himself, and by doing so hasn’t recognized that she needs medical help for her extreme hormonal mood swings, and they both could use counselling help to adjust to this new phase of life.