My wife and I haven’t spoken in two months except for necessity or short, rude comments toward me. I’ve stuck in this relationship for years to be with my children; now, I ‘m considering leaving. 

I have an apartment arranged, planned on giving her the house where my child support would support the mortgage, and tied up finances to make the transition as easy as possible.

I’m ready to tell her, yet devastated by the thought of not seeing my kids everyday.

I’m afraid that once I approach her there’ll be no turning back. She’s a great mother, I do love her, but we can’t seem to make it work.

Is this the right thing for me?

- Miserable in Marriage

You’ve acted alone in your misery –in first determining to stay, then in your plans to flee - and it’s a clue to the failure of this marriage. 

Your wife also retreats into herself, through silence and rejection. Yet, somehow the “L” word survives.

This cries out for a new approach to staying together. Drop the escape plans, and commit yourself to a process of counselling to discover why this relationship hasn’t worked.

Tell her you’re willing to explore your own contribution to what’s gone wrong, and invite her to join you. Give the therapist at least six months to work with both of you.

Remember, you can always find another apartment… it’s a lot harder to find another partner, especially if you’ve made no changes in yourself.

Shortly after ending a long marriage, I fell in love with a man who clearly stated that he was seeking a wife and his own offspring. 

He hasn’t been involved with my (now grown) children who are all doing well. He’s a refugee of Muslim background, now 46; I’m of Christian background, and 55.

After three years of going everywhere together and passionate intimacy he went back to his homeland and returned (surprise, surprise) with a bride. He swore he couldn’t stand her but had an obligation to her for support and citizenship. I was devastated, but we continued almost the same as before.

Several years later he separated from her and she moved away. Our relationship continued – he says I’m his favourite special friend and our souls will always be together.

He helps me and is generous to me as I am with him. He says he’s never been able to be faithful or form an attachment with any woman.

He’s not doing well in his business and blames it on racism; he’s often dishonest, impulsive and reckless.

I’m a professional, own my own home and have done all right with hard work and perseverance.

I’m very attracted to him physically and have found him exciting and fun though he’s hurt me deeply and I don’t trust him.

I’ve met other men but my attachment to this beau has overshadowed my feelings.

- Your Opinion?

This static relationship has run its course: What was once a sweeping romantic adventure has narrowed to a disappointing reality. 

He’s a self-interested man who accepts no long-term responsibility, neither for unfaithfulness nor business problems. You’re bound physically only, and that will surely wane as distrust and lack of respect increases.

Leave him NOW, to his other “special friends,” as there are bound to be others.

Start your single, accomplished life afresh, by seeking personal adventures through trying new experiences and meeting new people. You’ve lingered too long in a situation that gets more uncomfortable through time.

My boyfriend’s father lost his job years back, and only worked part time, with two children living at home. 

His employer went bankrupt last month; he’s hardly looked for work, nor has his wife.

My boyfriend and I planned to buy a house but now he feels he must contribute to his family.

Am I wrong to question this and ask him to focus more on our future?

- Losing Out

Ask questions, but your boyfriend must be permitted to find answers he can live with. Help him, if you intend to be a true team. 

Consider whether depression is affecting his father’s limited job-search; if so, suggest a medical check-up and offer encouragement, assistance with his resume and preparation for interviews, plus look into possibilities for re-training. If of age, the children can seek part-time jobs, too.

Meantime, work on an affordable budget to help out the family.