Dear Readers: The following question is an intriguing one for a New Year. Send your views on this:

I love my husband. It’s being married to him that’s so difficult. 

Through discussions with girlfriends, all in our 40s, the majority are feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, bored, overwhelmed, lonely.

Some haven’t been intimate with their husbands for two years.

All are attractive, smart, intelligent, independent and feeling very lost, including myself.

Is this just a 40 thing? I don’t think so.

I cannot leave my family, and after struggling for long years financially, I’m unwilling to start again by myself, uproot my four kids, etc.

There’s just no passion in our relationship. His passion belongs to his work.

What we women all have in common, is that we’re trying to raise our families, and have a marriage to the man we married many years ago.

We’ve been accommodating to our husbands’ careers, and been supportive. When do we come first? We’re all taking classes, courses or starting new careers to find motivation and passion in our lives.

I’m tired of being left a single parent, alone and resentful. Talking to my husband doesn’t help.

I don’t want to wait around the rest of my life, for him to put effort into this relationship.

It’s also hard for the kids to miss their Dad, and to watch their frustrated Mother trying to cope with everything.

- Out of Patience

Your letter is a cry for help for many women AND men who feel their unions have become lackluster, and the future looks dim. 

YES, it is common to people in their 40s, in our society, to ask, “Is that all there is?” Most thinking people recognize that they’re close to a “half-way point,” making them more aware of their mortality.

For women, there are also hormonal changes that affect mood and often cause more introspection.

My answer to both sexes: Fortunately, there’s a great deal more experience and emotion to come, beyond your 40’s, and more that you can do, to brighten your outlook.

Start with YOU: While it’s worthwhile to take courses, stay/get fit, broaden your interests, you must also control any Superhero ego and drive that allows for a frenetic schedule.

Seek balance, healthy living, and relaxation periods. You’ll last longer, feel better and have more tolerance for small-stuff irritations if you schedule some “down time” into your routine.

A good book, a long bath, a nap, a walk alone, are all de-stressors. Find comfort with upbeat friends, but avoid group whines.

Those who “haven’t had sex for two years” should be talking seriously to their partners and seeking couples’ therapy, instead of complaining to friends.

About your spouses: Career-driven partners usually believe they’re also working for the relationship, and the family’s betterment. They need a loving wake-up call from you about what you and their children are missing, emotionally.

That includes your being prepared to give up some material goodies, in order to have Dad or Mom around more.

Finally, be positive. You’re the models for your kids’ relationships. Soon, their values will be set, and you can enjoy seeing positive results… or regret forever that you were too busy feeling sorry about how your life was going.

The next decade brings many changes, and whether a couple can rekindle their fire partly depends on how you handle the ups and downs of these busy, active, complex, but ultimately-rewarding years of being age forty-something.

I’m having problems with my husband’s foray into hard core, online pornography. He’s recognized he has a problem and I realized I’ve been unavailable due to caring for sick parents. He said he’d try to stop. 

But I know that’s he’s only blocked my ability to see his continuing use of porn.

I love him, and know he loves me, but I’m having a hard time with it.

- Wit’s End

Treat it as a couples’ problem that’s developed, and try to hold back your suspicions and blame. Show him your efforts at helping him stop, by becoming more “available.” Focus on doing things together whenever possible, and try to get involved as a couple in some outside interests. Give him time to stop. 

However, if after six months, you’re sure he’s still obsessed, insist on counselling. A behaviour modification specialist can help him; marital therapy will boost your efforts to re-connect.