I’m a single woman (never married nor have kids), told by my colleague last year that he’s in love with me. I had no idea he felt this way. I’m now in love with him; however, he’s married (second marriage for both) there are children involved, and his wife’s aware of his feelings for me. 

He’s everything I’d look for in a potential partner - respectful, caring, supportive, understanding and has been open and honest with me about everything. He’s not said point blank that he intends to leave her and I guess I’m afraid to ask him or to hear his answer.  I keep telling him he cannot be in love with two women. 

All my past relationships have failed miserably. I’m so torn as to what to do as my heart and my head tell me very opposite things. Isn’t real love worth the risk?

- Confused

Some risks are more obvious and difficult than others; and when children are involved – not to mention a married lover who doesn’t make a firm choice  - the risks aren’t always insurmountable. 

One correction: You’d like NOT have chosen as the perfect potential partner a married man who’d make you his third wife… if he asked, but doesn’t. 

This guy does take risks, but only risks that suit him. He spoke up about his love, he got you involved, and a year later he’s not made a definite decision. Sorry, but I say to drop him, you need distance for clear thinking. (You may even have to consider finding work elsewhere to avoid his pursuit; after all, he had a good thing, with two women). 

Only when you shake up his comfort level, and re-examine why your other relationships didn’t work – as in, did you have a pattern of choosing men who were emotionally or otherwise unavailable? – will you know whether there’s a chance for this affair to become a lasting relationship of two, not three. 

My friend’s husband divorced her for another woman, and she was devastated. 

A good friend from school expressed his feelings to her, and they soon became a couple. He moved in with her, five years ago. However, in his culture, arranged marriage is the norm. He’s smart, educated, good-looking, and eight years younger than my friend. 

His parents, who live abroad, would be devastated if they knew he lives with an older divorced woman. So, he keeps it secret. He pays rent... my friend provides the home and groceries. He pays when they go out on a “date.” 

Friends and family are afraid he’ll one day go back home for an assigned wife... meanwhile, living with my friend, he saves money. 

Also, she has a child… is this an example to make for the child? It’s not our business, if she’s happy, but we suspect she sometimes pretends it. 

When we previously raised the weirdness of this long-held “secret,” she became defensive, saying she’s not ready to marry again. 

Is something wrong with this picture?

- Worried

Yes. There’s something “wrong” with many couple’s arrangements, and it IS their business if they choose to compromise in some ways, to get other benefits that they want.

Your friend wants her boyfriend’s love and companionship. Should she want a true partnership, she may be disappointed. 

She undoubtedly worries herself about her child’s long-term security in this situation. Don’t feed her more doubts, just be supportive; be good listeners, and if she raises the topic, ask good questions. 

My long-distance boyfriend and I want to marry; he’s Muslim, I’m Nepali and I may have to change cultures, which I don’t want. 

I love him but I don’t want to leave my culture behind. 

How can I decide what to do?

- Torn

You need to know more about what this marriage would mean for you: Ask your boyfriend what he expects... religious conversion? Moving to another country? What specifically does he believe is your role as his wife, as mother of his children? 

Then ask yourself a few questions: Can you live happily with the changes he may describe? Will it mean cutting yourself off from your own family and beliefs? If so, can you accept that for the long-term? 

These are the realities of mixed marriages. Such unions can work, if both people have the same expectations, and work together so that each feels their own culture and background is respected.