I’m 32, my brother’s 40. My parents, older sister, and me moved from New York, when I was 11. We visited my brother there every year.

Once, while Mom and I were out, my brother and his then-girlfriend argued.

My sister and her friend witnessed her jump on him, scratching his face and punching him. She called the cops. My brother left.

She told my sister to report that he was beating her, but my sister denied that. The girlfriend then said she didn't want my sister staying there, so the cops had her leave. The girls waited in the lobby for hours.

The couple got married privately and had a child. In 2006, I asked my brother if I could come to a specific school in NY. He said they both agreed.

Things seemed pretty good. I did the dishes, cleaned up any mess, she loaned me a nice purse. Days later, my brother said to leave, “she doesn't want you here anymore.”

I had no money, slept in the car, then at friends’ houses. I didn’t go to school.

She told people I stole the purse. Much later, she admitted she lent it.

I told my brother I'm ready to whoop her. He threatened me, saying I better not touch her.
Four months ago, my parents, sister, and I moved to where my brother lives, so my sister’s kids and his two can grow up together.

We barely see them.

My brother’s not allowed to go anywhere with my sister and me. We can't take the kids anywhere. Yet, her mother and cousins take them out.

Recently, my brother and his wife had a huge argument. She called me that he’s drunk. He said she attacked him leaving scratches all over his face and neck.

She called the cops, and they threatened to take her to jail because he was bleeding. He didn’t press charges.

She’s now cut us all off. I told my brother I want NOTHING to do with her ever again.

Two days ago, he asked me to watch their younger child because his wife and daughter are going away, and he has to work that evening.

But I had to go while she was still at home. I said I wouldn’t see her; I hate her. He said if I hurt her, he’d have to do something to me.

I’ve loved and looked up to him my entire life. For him to say this to me as an adult, felt like betrayal. I want nothing more to do with any of them. I’m looking into moving elsewhere. Any advice?

Florida Feud

Your much longerletter documented enough insults, betrayals, and nastiness for me to agree that this woman’s toxic to you. Your brother isn’t, but with two children and whatever co-dependent ties they have, he’s staying put.

But you needn’t abandon him. He may one day find his spine and leave her, or sink so despondently (or drunk) that he needs your support.

Moving independently can be a welcome relief for you, emotionally. You’ve been enmeshed in family for years, and mention having no partner or children.

You can stay connected to your sister and your parents without having to be involved in every episode.

Pursue your own life through good friendships, and get out for healthy recreation, fitness, and personal interests.

If you still feel betrayed and shattered, see a counselor to help put this messy family history in the past, while you focus on your own present.

A girl likes me and we talk. My friend’s trying to talk to her in that way, too, but he only wants sex and I actually like her.

But she says that my friend’s annoying. Should I still keep talking to her, or find out the truth? If so, how should I, or should I stop talking to her?

Perplexed In Philadelphia

You’re trying to figure out how relationships work, and that’s natural since you’re young. But there’s no set way to go about it; just follow what feels real.

You like each other. That’s real. He’s not a great friend if he knows you like her, and he’s scuzzy for going after her for sex when he knows your feelings. (If he doesn’t, tell him, also that he’s crossing the friendship line).

If he’s annoying her, she should also speak up. Tell her so. Keep talking to her and be open about liking her.