At 12, my parents’ divorced and became irresponsible, and self-centered. They left me to my own devices from age 17, with very little support mentally or financially.
Now, almost 40, I have three beautiful children, am deeply in love with my wife, and own a nice house.
My mother found herself and is a role model again for me. So I've decided that my own legacy is to kill the dysfunction in my life and end my relationship with “the other side” (my father, step-mother, brother).
They no longer have any contact with my children. I asked them not to send them Christmas presents; they did anyways.
I’m tired of having to deal with them.
However, I do think about the situation often, because I want to learn from it so I don’t cross over to the “dark side.”
Should I make the final cut, rid myself of these people and move forward?
- Turning Point?
You’ve already turned the most important corner long ago, by taking full responsibility for making your life the best you can, while still trying to improve. Congratulations!
Cutting all ties would only be helpful IF these relatives still had a toxic effect – e.g. made you depressed, interfered with your relationship, upset your children. Otherwise, ending contact sends a message to your children that could become a skewed legacy: That instead of learning from difficult situations, just close the door on them… which can mean learning nothing.
I recommend that you think far less about these people, only deal with them on occasion, let the children accept their gifts so they know they have some interest from their grandfather, etc., but explain why you don’t want to be in closer contact.
My boyfriend of two years is 25; I’m 22 and our problems began after we’d been sexually active for several months.
He suddenly became totally disinterested in sex. He mentioned that he and his ex’es had sex four times daily, but explained his distance was because he loved me and respected me too much, and that he didn’t respect the other girls.
Months later, I discovered he’d been chatting online to girls, but he denied it.
Seven months of constant interrogating later, he finally admitted he chatted with girls including teens, had cyber sex with them, and watched teen porn. He said he hadn’t seen the harm in this but now he realized how horrible a mistake he made.
I trusted my love for him and believed I’d get over it eventually and work on things, yet I still can’t get over his betrayal and lies.
Worse, his disinterest in sex has made me very insecure about myself, physically. I can’t even watch TV with him without feeling uncomfortable, and only noticing gorgeous women.
I love him. How does someone get over this?
- Everything’s Changed
If he’s still uncomfortable about sex with you, he’s got a problem, which means you have a serious decision to make about staying with him.
He prefers “risky” and “unemotional” sex – young girls, strangers on the internet, watching porn instead of being close with someone he loves. He needs to get counselling for this preference, if you’re to ever have a relationship that includes passion and intimacy between you.
What you “love,” is the guy you thought he was. Don’t beat yourself up about not getting past this; and stop the comparisons to other women’s images.
Either he gets help, or you get going before this relationship becomes too destructive for you.
I work for a large company considered one of the best employers.
Yet my boss has lost seven people this year (over 50% of her staff) and others have formally complained to her manager about unfair treatment, abusive verbal behaviour, plus her moodiness and angry manner. I avoid her as much as possible.
Why would her boss not be concerned?
- Need Insight
Most employees today, including managers, are being pressed to handle more and more tasks and people; and almost everyone wants to protect their own job.
Acting on people’s complaints is a judgment call many busy bosses don’t want to make, so a group log of complaints would be more effective.
Meanwhile, the more direct approach is to seek better treatment from this difficult woman by coming up with problem solving – e.g. new ideas that could make her job easier, which is likely what she’s after.
Tip of the day:
Moving forward means not being afraid to look back.
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