Dear Readers - Fighting is a part of most relationships and also the cause of many breakups. Here are some remaining questions from my live online chat about some of the things that cause those fights (June 15):
How do I deal with trust issues arising from a partner who had many past partners, without turning it into a fight?
If the ex'es are still in the past, you're the one who needs to stop fighting about them. If they're lurking around the present, be clear: Either he stops contact or deals only as needed if kids are involved. Or you walk.
My husband and I fight all the time. One week we're good, the next we don't talk. We separated two years ago then gave it another try.
He can't let go of the past. I've suggested he go to therapy. I spent years in therapy to resolve my issues. I feel we should call it quits. There was never any cheating in the marriage; we both were at fault on how we treated each other.
You two need therapy together, to handle this as a couple and not as separate self-defenders. He may need you present to apologize for your part, in order to acknowledge his part too. Don't give up without one last effort.
Ever since we had our son two years ago, our sex life has taken the back seat. I'm just not in the mood; I really don't care for it.
See your doctor. You may not "care for it" for physical and/or emotional reasons that are common after childbearing but still need looking into, for the sake of your well being. Marriage is a partnership on many levels, not just as parents. Your arbitrary position, unless there's a more serious cause, is unfair.
In response to the woman who found her boyfriend's preference for wrestling and rough play was getting too hurtful:
Wrestling (by a couple as "play") for exercise and social relaxation should be following the rules of role-play and contact improvisation rather than an athletic competitive situation.
Some advice: 1. Make sure it's a mutual invitation. 2. No one takes safety risks - you are 100% responsible for the other's injury prevention. 3. It is absolutely essential that ANYBODY engaging in play wrestling have a code word to indicate when to stop, and 4. Practice sufficient sensitivity and stop what you're doing before the code words are needed.
Thanks for those important tips to keep "play" from crossing the line to physical abuse.
I love to travel but don't do it much. My partner has travelled the world, and lets things just happen rather than plan.
We fought about our coming trip. I want to see some of the more famous landmarks; I like to plan out what, when, and where. He said, we'll get there and then look. We've never been disappointed on a trip yet, and often we take a "wrong" road and find some amazing off-the-way adventure, but this last clash was tense. There are kids on this trip - so I'm looking at overall "wants and likes."
Compromise. Plan what's necessary - where to stay when you first arrive, a place at the end to re-organize for the trip home. Add one assured child-friendly destination where you can stay a couple of days, and know it'll be a hit with the kids. Then let him fill in the rest as it happens... these may just be the true highlights.
I slept with a good friend of mine. We realized we felt more for each other than just friendship.
However, I have a girlfriend whom I love, but we fight a lot. With my friend, we talk things out and when we kiss, it's like magic.
I don't want to hurt my girlfriend, I want to stay with her, but I can't stop these other feelings though my friend and I agreed to stop seeing each other.
You're hurting both women and yourself, because you're not fully with either and you're conflicted inside.
If you do stay with your girlfriend, do it only for the reasons why you love her, not because you "don't want to hurt her".... or you'll cheat again.
As for "magic" with your friend... it's easy to feel when it's all about emotions and sex, rather than in the context of an everyday life living together, as with your girlfriend.
Tip of the day:
Fighting isn't the problem, but how you fight often is.