Recently my fiancé left his email account open and I noticed that he recently emailed his ex-girlfriend (they broke up three years ago) to notify her of some surprising developments he'd heard regarding her former workplace. He wrote to her that he knew she'd get a kick out of the news. His email was totally void of any feeling and didn’t make me feel that he was trying to reconnect with her.
Yet when I think about the communication, I can't breathe. I'm upset that he felt the need to contact her and wonder if I should be worried. But I can't ask him about it because I shouldn't have been snooping through his mail.
What should I do?
- The Snoop
Do not give in to this invasion of privacy again. You’ve now seen for yourself that jealousy truly is a “green-eyed monster” since it has you choked with emotion over nothing.
Yes, nothing is what it means when your fiancé, who’s made an upfront commitment, sends a snippet of information to an ex, with a logical reason for doing so.
Stop worrying. And attribute your feeling “upset” to whatever other insecurities you carry, that have nothing to do with this minor, meaningless, communication.
If it continues to haunt you, the problem is yours, not his, and you need to think through what is really missing for you in this relationship.
Is it necessary to admit to an extramarital affair, if it’s not hurting anyone?
I thought the smart rule was “Don’t ask, and don’t tell.”
It depends on who believes it’s “Not hurting anyone.”
In some rare circumstances, both partners are comfortable with their arrangement to stay together and look the other way if they suspect a brief fling.
But far more frequently, several people (including the children) get very hurt by marital infidelity. Better, then, to acknowledge that the union isn’t working, and do something about it.
I’m 40, and confused about my life, feeling like I need to know much more about myself, because I was adopted.
I was 23 when I discovered this through a mistake of my adopted mother’s friend. At that time, my adopted mother tried to tell me everything but I wouldn't listen. Now it’s too late as she’s passed away.
I feel at this point that I need to move on, but I need answers for it to happen. My problem is that I don't have a name of my birth parents or relatives. What can I do?
- Needing Answers
Your desire for information is natural, yet I urge you to think through what you’re hoping to achieve before you begin your search. This is to make sure your expectations are not so high that you risk being disappointed by learning less than you seek, or possibly uncovering some unpleasant facts.
However, with a healthy, realistic approach, you may well feel more emotionally secure from finding out more about your own identity. You can also discover useful medical information, and possibly even develop contacts with biological relatives.
Be prepared, however, that your birth family may not be open to a reunion. In order to truly move forward, consider seeing an adoption counsellor while you go through the search process.
• In Ontario, see The Adoption Council of Ontario website www.adoptontario.ca offer a wide range of information on adoption including how an adult adopted person (18 and over) may do an adoption search and find their birth registration.
Tip of the day:
When you stoop to snoop, you may end up fighting shadows in your own mind.